"The Star Titness"... I mean Witness!

A Work In Undress
(I mean progress)



Sergeant Peterson took one last look into the hotel room, then shut the door and turned to an obviously distracted Detective Wilkins.

“Sir, is it true what they’re saying down at the precinct?”

“What are they saying?”

“That she saw her husband hacked up with a meat cleavage.”

“Cleaver?”

“Right. Cleaver.”

"That’s right, Wilkins. The killer’s on the loose and she’s our only witness, so make sure you garter - I mean guard her carefully."

"Yes, sir. I'll do my breast. I mean best!"

"I know you will, Wilkins. You've never been negligee in your boobies."

"Sir?"

"Duties! Negligent in your duties."

"Oh. Spank you, sir. I mean thank you, sir."

"You're on your own until midnight, so keep your thighs -I mean eyes peeled, and make sure you call for backside - I mean backup if you see anyone lingerieing about."

"Uh, lingering, sir?"

"Yes, lingering."

Sergeant Patterson heaved a sigh, removed his hat, and wiped his sweaty brow.

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go masturbate."

"Sir?"

"You heard me."

Amsterdam to get statue to honor prostitutes

AMSTERDAM (Reuters) - Amsterdam's red-light district will soon get a new attraction: a statue to honor prostitutes around the world.

The statue, designed by artist Els Rijerse, will likely be unveiled at the end of March, Dutch news agency ANP reported.

"In many countries, prostitutes struggle and people have no respect for them whatsoever. The statue is meant to give all those men and women strength," Mariska Majoor, a former prostitute who commissioned the statue, told ANP.

ANP said the statue, made of bronze, shows a woman who confidently looks out into the world.

It'll be just like any other statue, except that pigeons who crap on it will be charged 250 Euros.

A Day Late And Five Digits Short

Yes, there were times when Julie felt she'd been a bit harsh, but Tom had certainly gotten the point, and he never again attempted to cop a feel.

Never Cross A Hypnotist

"When I snap my fingers you will awake and explain to me, once and for all, what in God's name possessed you to sleep with my best friend!"

A Caption Quickie

She charges 200 Swiss Francs for a "European Union"

Random Images + Silly Captions = Cheap Laughs

In an effort to make this blog a going concern, I will begin to post images I find on the net and silly captions to go along with them. It's kept Weekend Update going for 25 years, so maybe I can get some mileage out of it, too.

I'll try to do one a day, and I'll start things off with a picture featuring multiple captions. Hopefully you'll get a giggle or two out of them.

"Whistler's Mother? She was a demon in the sack."

or...

"What's so special about this 'abstract art' crap. Every damn picture looks like a cataract."

or...

Kurt knew that Grampa was forever lost to senility after he spent twenty minutes asking Gainsborough's The Blue Boy to pull his finger.