Noise To Signal Cartoons by Rob Cottingham

The multi-talented Rob Cottingham has recently added cartoonist to his crowded resume, which already includes speechwriter, web designer, stand up comedian, screenwriter, and probably a few more I'm forgetting. I have no idea where he finds the time or energy, but I'm happy he does so I can enjoy cartoons like this.


Noise to Signal is described as "Rob's graphic take on some of the big questions of the social web – and all that goes with it." The focus is primarily on social networking and business, but some, like his latest, can be enjoyed by all.


Enjoy more of Rob's work on the Noise To Signal website.

Past And Future Rip-Offs In NBC's Heroes

After getting off to an outstanding start, Heroes wasn’t able to deliver much of anything in the latter half of the first season. The series peaked right around the time Peter saved the cheerleader, and everything afterwards seemed anti-climactic. It was obviously stalling for time after shooting its wad too early, sending its heroes on one side-quest after another while trying to justify the lull by arguing about semantics, i.e. “Maybe it was ‘Save the cheerleader, then save then world’.” And even though the series was still good at creating cliffhangers, the payoffs were never as good as the setups, and each episode ultimately left me feeling disappointed. The writing seemed to suffer because of the assembly-line approach dictated by network television in America, and perhaps the biggest sign of the show’s decline was all the recycled story ideas.

The premise itself is a blatant rip-off of the X-Men combined with the realistic approach of M. Night Shyamalan’s Unbreakable, but it worked in the beginning. Most of the powers displayed by the heroes are familiar comic book archetypes, but even that was forgivable because the actors were all fresh faces and the writing was so sharp. As the series progressed, it began to incorporate elements from other sources, so the following article lists some examples of other people's ideas that have already worked their way into the show, and other possible story lines Heroes might rip off/pay homage to in the future.

• The X-Files - One of the ultimate cult classics on TV, it started out as a compelling series where each individual episode stood on its own as a terrific little horror story. But then the series got bogged down in the alien invasion plot and the machinations of the mysterious group of rich white men who were manipulating events from the shadows. Heroes has its own group of rich white men with unlimited resources and an interest in the paranormal, represented by Mr. Bennet's former employer, the Company. And Bennet himself started out as a mysterious villain known only to the heroes as "The Man With The Horn-Rimmed Glasses" which seemed like an homage to William B. Davis' "Cigarette Smoking Man".
• The Watchmen - Considered one of the greatest stories in the history of comic books, Heroes has beaten Hollywood to the punch by stealing several ideas from this iconic Alan Moore story before Hack Snyder (300) could bring his version to the big screen. Both stories have two generations of heroes, a mysterious killer hunting the retired crime-fighters, and the villain's plot in the Watchmen was more or less the same as Linderman's nefarious idea to unite people through a shared tragedy. (Side question: instead of manipulating Peter's entire life to turn him into a human bomb that destroys New York, wouldn't it have been much easier to build an actual bomb?)
• The Lord Of The Rings - Sauron only had one evil eye to watch Frodo with, but apart from that this new unseen villain haunting Molly's dreams is a lazy knock-off of the Dark Lord of Mordor. I can't imagine anything much more obvious than that spooky voice telling Molly "I can see you". It's like the writers aren't even trying to hide their influences any more.
• Star Wars – What was the purpose of Nathan’s vision of his scarred visage in barroom mirror during the season two premiere? Anything would be better than that ridiculous beard, but I suspect this was more than just an expression of his inner desire to try a new look. I’ll bet that something in the future will leave Nathan hideously scarred – perhaps a tragic shaving accident – and this will lure Nathan over to the dark side where he becomes some sort of masked, heavy-breathing Darth Vaderesque villain, bitter from losing the election and hell-bent on seizing power any way possible.
• Star Trek – After the stunt casting of George Takei and Nichelle Nichols, it’s apparent that someone on the creative team is an original series era Trekkie. So how long will it be before some of Gene Roddenberry’s concepts start working their way into this increasingly derivative show? Probably not long. Maybe Matt Parkman’s abilities will evolve to the point where he can perform mind melds. Maybe once the heroes finally decide to don uniforms they’ll be brightly coloured and made of velour. Hayden Panettiere in an ultra-miniskirt would be a real ratings boost for sure. But my money is on a more obvious choice – the Eugenics Wars. For the uninitiated, that's shorthand for humans vs. the genetically enhanced in all all-out war for world supremacy. Substitute “mutants” for “genetically enhanced” and it’s a perfect fit. Plus it would double up as yet another idea inspired by the X-Men. Of course, the show won’t actually deliver a war. There’ll just be a lot of talk about it without either side ever taking any action. An all-out war is something the budget could never handle, so the writers will probably just give us the familiar tease without the climax.
• Spider-Man – He’s the biggest superhero of them all, so I wouldn’t be surprised to see more of the web-slinger working its way into the show somehow. Isaac Mendez selling paintings of the heroes was already sort of similar to Peter Parker's day job at a photographer. Also, take Peter Petrelli’s first name plus Matt Parkman's last name and what do you have? Grounds for a lawsuit, that's what. Plus, both characters have a lot in common with the Marvel Comics archetype of an everyman hero, but Peter/Parkman’s powers are already well-established, so there’s another way they’ll have to go to make this work. You’ve already got a scientist (Dr. Suresh) and an apartment filled with insects (cockroaches) so throw in some radiation and bingo – Cockroach Man! Sure, it sounds absurd, but people hate spiders almost as much as they hate cockroaches, so everyone thought Stan Lee was crazy too.
• Batman– Number two on the Hollywood Superhero power list, and an obvious source for inspiration, if you can call stealing inspiration. I laughed out loud when Claire’s new season two love interest introduced himself as West, as in Adam, so I wondered if he’d turn out to be the son of wealthy parents who were killed before his eyes, but instead it turns out dude can fly, so who knows where they’re going with that. In any case, West is the stupidest first name for a television character since Fox, as in Mulder. Maybe Mr. Bennett will get tired of being some powerless sissy, don a utility belt, and start fighting crime under the shadow of darkness.
• The Seven Samurai – With Hiro in 17th century Japan, this one is practically inevitable. The main questions are how blatant will the rip-off be, will any of the fanboys even recognize such an old school reference, and will this rip-off include a subsidiary rip-off of…
• The Princess Bride – As soon as Hiro’s childhood idol turned out to be a phony, I expected to see some Dread Pirate Roberts action. It’s already going in that direction, with the Englishman using locals to do his bidding while pretending to be Tazeko Kensei, so I suspect Hiro will assume the identity of the famous samurai, save the village, win the girl, solve the mystery of the fire swamp, then, once the name of Takezo Kensei has been redeemed, he’ll pass on the mantle to some young Japanese warrior, telling him that the name is what strikes fear into the hearts of villains, not the man, yada, yada, yada, it’s all been done before, and then Hiro will teleport off to somewhere else cool. Maybe some place with pirates.
• Pirates Of The Caribbean - Pirates are hot right now, and much cheaper to shoot than giant transforming robots, and since the producers of this show seem shameless enough to give the fanboys what’s worked before, this wouldn’t be too much of a stretch.
• Office Space – Mr. Bennet’s story arc in the season two premiere seemed to be a one-off copy of the hero’s crappy day job and annoying boss in The Incredibles, but maybe they’ll stick with this for a while and show Bennet going ape on a fax machine. Unlikely though, since the HRG as Assistant Manager subplot was already wrapped up in a neat little clichéd bow.
• Night Gallery – You could make a case that Isaac’s paintings were a rip-off of Night Gallery from the very beginning, but they were an important part of the show’s visual appeal – and much cheaper than actual FX – so I was quite surprised when Hiro wasn’t able to somehow save Isaac. True, Santiago Cabrera was the worst actor on the show, but that doesn’t mean the paintings have to cease. Peter absorbed Isaac’s powers, so hopefully he found the time to produce some artwork during the hiatus. And since Mohinder’s voice-overs are already a familiar part of the opening of each episode, you could always have him walk through a darkened room full of Isaac’s paintings while delivering that painful exposition and smoking a cigarette.
• Desperate Housewives – I was surprised when Mrs. Bennett turned out to still be a part of the series when she showed up at the dinner table. I had assumed that she’d been written off the show, just like Matt’s wife, Nathan's wife, Claire’s friend Zach, and all the other characters who had simply disappeared when the producers no longer felt like paying their salaries. If Mrs. Bennet is still around, there must be a reason for it beyond the constant obsessive dog-owner jokes that were explored so completely in Best In Show. She’s no Eva Longoria, but she’s not much older or uglier than Felicity Huffman, so expect to see a shirtless swarthy poolboy or a handsome man trapped in a sexless marriage to appear in the neighbourhood before sweeps week. As for Claire's brother who did nothing but nod and mumble one line in the season two premiere – he’s dead meat. Unless he’s some network executive’s nephew, I expect his character to be killed off ASAP. Either that or he’s got nothing better to do and he’ll keep showing up at short notice each week to be little more than a glorified extra. Good career path.
• Three Men And A Little Lady – You’ve already got Matt Parkman and Dr. Suresh taking care of Molly. And now that George Takei’s character is out of the picture, Ando suddenly finds himself jobless and storyless. What good is a sidekick without a hero to suck up to? I can see Ando moving in with Matt and Suresh while the three of them bicker and make one hilarious blunder after another while trying to raise poor Molly, who turns out to be more of an adult than any of the grown-ups, ‘natch. Throw in a wacky neighbour and you’ve got a sitcom classic in the making. And speaking of neighbours, I know Eden is dead, but that doesn’t have to mean she’s dead dead. She’s too cute to stay killed, and since credibility is no longer an issue on this show, I say bring her back. It could be Three Men, A Ghost, And A Little Lady. I smell an Emmy. Well, maybe a Golden Globe.
  

I didn't go back and rewatch the entire first season before writing this post, so feel free to let me know about any recycled ideas I may have missed. And despite all my whining, I still think that season one of Heroes is very much worth having on DVD, even if you wind up throwing away the final disc. I wouldn't have bothered writing a post like this if I hadn't enjoyed the beginning of the series so thoroughly, which lead to my disappointment when the show fell so far so fast. And I wouldn't have bothered watching the season two premiere if I hadn't been hoping for the best while expecting the worst. "I broke history" was a great line, and one which actually seemed original to me, so that offered a tiny glimmer of hope in an otherwise ho-hum episode. I'll probably keep watching now that I've got the griping out of my system. The show is the only thing on TV I watch these days, and it's become somewhat of a habit. Hopefully it'll return to its former glory.

Welcome Dynamic Range Radio Listeners

If you were expecting to see the page for Dynamic Range Radio but wound up here instead, that's because I'm in the process of changing web hosts, and until I get everything sorted out I'm taking all requests for dynamicrangeradio.ca and forwarding them here.

This site is my personal blog which I use very sporadically since running Dynamic Range Radio is a full-time job and then some, so I have very little time left over for things like blogging. Most of the stuff on this site was written before I dove head-first into the world of internet radio, so the jokes are old to me but they may be new to you. Feel free to poke around a bit. At least you can still see the last five songs played thanks to the Last.FM widget in the sidebar.

Once the regular site is up and running, I'll make sure the domain name forwards people to the proper page and post a notice here.

UPDATE: All the kinks seem to have been sorted out, so the Dynamic Range Radio website is accessible to all.

IT - The Early Years

If you've ever been the most computer-savvy person in your office, or had to explain a newfangled piece of technology to your grandmother, then you'll probably get a good laugh out of this. If only SNL was as funny as this Norwegian sketch comedy show.

Einstein Must Be Rolling Over In His Grave

Thanks to this site every half-wit with a juvenile sense of humour (like me) can use poor Albert's image to make silly jokes. I almost feel guilty for doing this.




I said almost.



Now I'm definitely feeling guilty. And a little ashamed. But mostly sleepy, so I'm done for now. I wonder where I can find that church sign generator...

"The Star Titness"... I mean Witness!

A Work In Undress
(I mean progress)



Sergeant Peterson took one last look into the hotel room, then shut the door and turned to an obviously distracted Detective Wilkins.

“Sir, is it true what they’re saying down at the precinct?”

“What are they saying?”

“That she saw her husband hacked up with a meat cleavage.”

“Cleaver?”

“Right. Cleaver.”

"That’s right, Wilkins. The killer’s on the loose and she’s our only witness, so make sure you garter - I mean guard her carefully."

"Yes, sir. I'll do my breast. I mean best!"

"I know you will, Wilkins. You've never been negligee in your boobies."

"Sir?"

"Duties! Negligent in your duties."

"Oh. Spank you, sir. I mean thank you, sir."

"You're on your own until midnight, so keep your thighs -I mean eyes peeled, and make sure you call for backside - I mean backup if you see anyone lingerieing about."

"Uh, lingering, sir?"

"Yes, lingering."

Sergeant Patterson heaved a sigh, removed his hat, and wiped his sweaty brow.

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go masturbate."

"Sir?"

"You heard me."

Create Your Own South Park Character

This site features a fun, easy to use Flash animation tool that allows you to quickly create your own South Park character that looks remarkably like something that would have appeared on the show. You just point and click to choose eyes, mouths, hair, hats, clothes, and skin color. There are also a variety of accessories to choose from, including Mr. Hat, and even a wide assortment of weapons for some strange reason.

If you want to save your picture you'll have to do a screengrab, so if you're not sure how to do that make sure you read the instructions on the site's help file before you begin. I accidentally erased my first character when I clicked on the help file.

In less than fifteen minutes I came up with this Stone/Parker-esque representation of me facing yet another dreary Vancouver evening. It's probably the closest thing to a picture of myself I'll ever post, so enjoy!



PS - Two months without a blog entry, then I suddenly make posts on consecutive days! What's up with that? Obviously my urge to blog comes and goes, so no more promises about posting often or trying to stay on a certain topic. If I have something I want to share with someone and there's no one around to talk to except my cat, I may blog. Or I may not.

Post-catum Depression

Grief can make people do strange things. Things they would never normally do. Things they later regret. Last night, while mourning the loss of my furry friend, Suzy, I did something I’m not proud of. I went to see Ghost Rider.

Now before you call the local mental health authorities, let me explain. I had to get out of the apartment because I’d been sitting around all day wallowing in pain. Everywhere I look in this place I see something that reminds me of Suzy. I couldn't swing a dead cat in here without hitting something that reminds me of my dead cat. I spilled some muffin crumbs on the carpet yesterday, and when I grabbed the vacuum cleaner I immediately teared up when I thought about how Suzy hated that machine even more than I do. On the rare occasions when I did vacuum, Suzy would immediately scurry away and hiss angrily if I came anywhere near her with it. I’m sure it would irk her to no end to know that her mortal enemy had out-lasted her.

Anyway, I figured that the best way to feel better in the short term would be get out of the apartment and distract myself with a movie. I didn’t want anything serious or emotionally resonant, so that eliminated Pan’s Labyrinth or Zodiac, which would have been the sort of thing I’d normally see, but emotionally fragile children or grieving families was not at all what I needed. If ever there was a time for escapist entertainment, this was it.

Nicolas Cage and Peter Fonda realize they have a lot in common.
First and foremost - a need to fire their agents.

Long story short, Ghost Rider was drivel. Utter and absolute twaddle. And exactly what I needed.

This is the kind of movie where Sam Elliot tells Nicolas Cage he’ll be safe in the graveyard because the demons who’re after him can’t enter hallowed ground. Then, ten minutes later, where do we see those same demons? In a church.

This is the kind of movie that never stops to ask why exactly does the devil need a bounty hunter anyway?

This is the type of movie where the stunningly gorgeous Eva Mendes pines for a decade over her childhood sweetheart, then drops everything to take a chance on him again when he re-appears in her life. We see her waiting in a restaurant in a low-cut dress which would make the hair in Nicholas Cage’s toupee stand on end. And yet, when he doesn't show up she acts like an insecure pre-teen girl, grabs the nearest waiter and asks him “You think I’m pretty, right?” I mean, WTF?!?!?! And if that wasn’t absurd enough, the waiter responds to her question with an indifferent shrug that implies she’s nothing special to look at. I would have walked out of the theatre at that point under normal circumstances.

Eva Mendes comes to the shocking realisation that she is appearing in the movie Ghost Rider.

It feels good to be thinking about this sort of trivial crap instead of mourning the loss of my faithful fuzzy companion. If I start to feel too sad at any point this weekend, I think I’ll go see Wild Hogs. That should fill me with enough film snob indignation to carry me until Easter.

"What's my motivation?
Oh wait, I just remembered. It's money."

The Five Stages Of Grief

1. Denying you went to see Ghost Rider
2. Anger over paying to see Ghost Rider
3. Bargaining to get your money back after watching Ghost Rider
4. Depression after watching Ghost Rider
5. Accepting that you wasted two hours of your life on Ghost Rider

RIP Suzy

I’m not a man who normally takes photographs, or addresses his emotions honestly and openly, but this is an unusual circumstance so this post will feature a little of both.

I recently found an old disposable camera when I was cleaning out my closet and decided to have it developed. It was filled with photos I’d taken of my cat Suzy shortly after I’d adopted her when I must have been feeling unusually sentimental. I'm glad I have these photos now, because as of yesterday I don't have Suzy.

Last summer I'd discovered a strange growth on her stomach which turned out to be cancer. I had that removed and I checked her stomach regularly for the first few months, but everything seemed fine and her behaviour was completely normal, so I gradually got out of the habit of checking. It seemed like I'd caught it in time.

Well, about a week ago I noticed that her appetite had disappeared and her behaviour had changed too. She was lethargic and laying around all day. She’d stopped jumping up on the bed to sleep with me or leaping onto the top of the recliner to stare out the window at passersby. Worst of all, her breathing had become laboured, so I checked her tummy where the original tumour was and sure enough there was another growth which was much larger than the first, and this one was more like an open sore with a red, bloody disc surrounding a small white protuberance in the middle.

I took her to the vet to have x-rays done, and the cancer had indeed spread to her lungs. She was euthanised just before midnight last night.

In addition to being devastated by losing a cat I love dearly, I feel guilty for not checking her for tumours more carefully over the last few months. Maybe if I had noticed something earlier the prognosis would be better. I keep trying to tell myself that Suzy might have been dead ten years ago if it wasn’t for me since I was the one who busted her out of kitty prison when she was on death row. She was a stray I adopted from the SPCA, and she lead a happy pampered life under my care. That seems comforting on paper, but it’s not enough to keep me from blubbering when I remember how scared she looked as the vet carried her away into the back room. Or when I look at a picture like this.

Amsterdam to get statue to honor prostitutes

AMSTERDAM (Reuters) - Amsterdam's red-light district will soon get a new attraction: a statue to honor prostitutes around the world.

The statue, designed by artist Els Rijerse, will likely be unveiled at the end of March, Dutch news agency ANP reported.

"In many countries, prostitutes struggle and people have no respect for them whatsoever. The statue is meant to give all those men and women strength," Mariska Majoor, a former prostitute who commissioned the statue, told ANP.

ANP said the statue, made of bronze, shows a woman who confidently looks out into the world.

It'll be just like any other statue, except that pigeons who crap on it will be charged 250 Euros.