Quantum Of Solace: A Review

No, not the movie, you silly goose. That won't be released until mid-November. This is a review of the Ian Fleming short story, published way back in 1960.

The story is far from a typical Bond adventure filled with guns, girls, and megalomaniacal villains bent on world domination, and there isn't a single character with a ludicrous name like Auric Goldfinger, Pussy Galore, or I. P. Freely.

As the story begins, 007 has just finished a routine operation which is described matter-of-factly in one paragraph on the second page. Bond is in Nassau, dutifully chatting with the Governor after a tedious dinner party, when he makes a flippant remark about marrying an air hostess, i.e. a stewardess. That prompts the Governor to tell the story of an old friend who did indeed marry an air hostess, with tragic results.

Between puffs on his cigar, the Governor delivers a surprisingly poignant tale which shows how even the gentlest of people can become cruel and vindictive when pushed too far. But how far is too far? That's where the title comes into play.

Here's how the Governor describes it to Bond:

You're not married, but I think it's the same with all relationships between a man and a woman. They can survive anything so long as some kind of basic humanity exists between the two people. When all kindness has gone, when one person obviously and sincerely doesn't care if the other is alive or dead, then it's just no good.

Well, duh.

The Governor goes on to call this the Law of the Quantum Of Solace, meaning that as long as you offer the other person a glimmer of hope, or a quantum of solace, then there's a chance the marriage will survive.

Fleming seems overly proud of himself for giving a simple concept such a grandiose title, and he even has Bond say that it's "a splendid name for it" before giving his own thoughts on the theory.

I still stand by the claim that Quantum Of Solace is a terrible name for a James Bond movie, and I don't think it was a very good title for a short story either. It reeks of a pulp fiction writer getting all pretentious and trying to prove that he could have been taken seriously as an author if that was what he'd wanted.

The thing is, when Fleming isn't patting himself on the back for that title, he actually manages to tell a very compelling human drama with a nice little twist at the end. Hopefully the movie pulls off the same trick and manages to be a good film with a bad title, but if any character in the movie uses the title in a line of dialogue, I'll most likely puke up my popcorn.



Another intriguing aspect of the story is that Fleming seems to be re-examining his own career path in this passage after Bond has heard the Governor's entire story:

Bond laughed. Suddenly the violent dramatics of his own life seemed very hollow. The affair of the Castro rebels and the burned out yachts was the stuff of an adventure strip in a cheap newspaper.

And later still:

He reflected on the conference he would be having in the morning with the Coastguards and the FBI in Miami. The prospect, which had previously interested, even excited him, was now edged with boredom and futility.

Fleming seems to be wondering if he's wasted his life writing adventure tales without much emotional resonance or insight into the human condition.

I think there's always a time and a place for escapism, and I grew up on James Bond movies and novels, and even obsessed over the role-playing game for a while, but as I got older I became more interested in realistic human dramas, and it seems as though Fleming was feeling the same way.

Not counting Thunderball, which was developed from a screenplay that Fleming had been collaborating on for years, the next Bond novel published after Quantum Of Solace was The Spy Who Loved Me, which was also radically different from typical Bond fare. It was considered a failure, both critically and financially, and I remember hating it when I read it years ago, but it's interesting to see how Fleming was stretching himself, perhaps reflecting the same soul-searching expressed in that short story whose name I can't bear to type yet again.

Fleming then wrote several more successful Bond novels that stuck to the formula, but he hadn't completely given up on the idea of pushing himself because he also wrote the children's book, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, which was published in 1964, the same year he died.

Who knows what other directions his work might have gone in if he had lived, but hopefully the writing of a successful children's book that had nothing to do with Bond gave a dying man a quantum of... nope, I'm so not going there.



Or buy from Amazon.ca (Canada)

Duckman On DVD!

First, the good news: Duckman is finally available on DVD! Yay!

Now the bad news: Seasons 3 and 4 are still not available (Boo!) and if sales of the first set are not impressive enough, it's conceivable that the rest of the show will never be released, and that would be a crying shame. I should know. It's already happened to one of the favourite shows from my youth.

If you've never seen Duckman, Wikipedia offers a good rundown of the show's premise, characters, cast and history.

The style of the show falls somewhere in between South Park and The Simpsons, with Duckman himself being a combination of Eric Cartman, Daffy Duck, and Archie Bunker. And when you throw in Jason Alexander's distinctive voice and Duckman's sudden bursts of hysterics, George Costanza's fans should find a lot to love as well.




I originally saw the show in reruns several years after South Park had debuted, and considering how the characters of Fluffy and Uranus meet a fate similar to Kenny's in nearly every episode, I'd always assumed that elements of Duckman's edgy humour were inspired by Matt Stone and Trey Parker, but looking at the timelines for the two shows it might have been the other way around.

Seasons 3 and 4 were when Duckman consistently reached levels of maniacal genius that were rarely seen on television, but the first two seasons are very good as well, and worth having if only to guarantee the release of subsequent seasons. Don't let what happened to those other private detectives happen to Duckman.

To give you a taste of what to expect, I've put together a playlist featuring one of the better episodes from the first two seasons, as well as some bonus clips thrown in at the end.

Buy Seth MacFarlane Dinner At Burger King

The Onion's AV Club reports on a new contest that will allow one lucky winner to buy Seth MacFarlane dinner at Burger King.

If you don't know who Seth MacFarlane is, consider yourself lucky.

If you do know who he is, that means you're either a fan or you'd leap at the opportunity to poison his food, so you owe it to yourself to enter in either case.

Of course, if Burger King is a part of Seth MacFarlane's regular diet his stomach is presumably made of cast iron and impervious to all known poisons, but that wouldn't stop you from stabbing him in the eye with a spork.

Sarah Silverman Dumps Jimmy Kimmel

E! Online reports that Sarah Silverman has finally come to her senses and ended her relationship with Jimmy Kimmel after five long, baffling years.

The article doesn't specifically state that it was Silverman who did the dumping, but the reverse would be inconceivable, so I'd say it's a safe bet that Kimmel was the one being cast aside.

I happened to be watching Silverman's guest appearance on Star Trek: Voyagerjust last night, so I can only assume that she sensed I was thinking about her and had a vision of the better life that awaits her if she'd only pick up the phone and rescind that restraining order.

Here's my offer to you, Sarah Silverman. I will happily bathe you from head to toe and perform a cleansing ritual to remove the lingering stench of failure which must still be clinging to your sublime skin and luxurious hair after spending so much time in close proximity to Jimmy Kimmel.

In other words, I'll help you wash that man right out of your hair, massage that man right out of your shoulders, rub that man right out of your thighs, and tickle that man right out of your taint.

Furthermore, I promise to dedicate every waking moment to supporting you and fulfilling your every need in a way that only an unemployed man could. There's no chance of me ever placing my career before you since I have no career and no desire to find one. And I could never be jealous of your accomplishments because the more successful you are the more time I get to spend basking in your glory, helping you traverse mud puddles, carrying your purse, eating bonbons, and hand-washing your unmentionables.

I also pledge to be less fat and every bit as charming and witty as Jimmy Kimmel ever was, but really, how could I not?

You can read more about my on-again/off-again/in-again/out-again relationship with Sarah Silverman by clicking here.

Q: The Best Thing About Summer?

A: Girls in their summer clothes.

Q: The worst thing about summer?
A: Me in my summer clothes.

(My sincere apologies if this post made you think of that horrible, horrible Bruce Springsteen song, unless, of course, you like that song, in which case, you're welcome.)

Reverse Graffiti

Inhabitat.com offers this story on an interesting concept called reverse graffiti, where an artist scrapes through the grime on a wall in order to create art. And the results are intriguing.



Just imagine what this guy could do with the tiles in my bathroom.

The Incredible Hulk on IMDB

I'm a big fan of the Internet Movie Database. I visit it several times a day to look up information on whatever movie I'm watching, thinking about, or reading about. I love participating in the polls and rating movies, and I have a morbid fascination with the message boards. Reading them makes me weep for the future of Hollywood (and humanity) but I can't seem to keep away.

But my enjoyment of the IMDB has been severely hampered for the last week or so by the in-your-face marketing for the Incredible Hulk on the site's main page.

The cartoonish CGI image of the Hulk replacing the normal banner is mildly distracting, but forgivable. The real problem has been the trailer which automatically begins to download every single time I visit the front page.

That's a ton of wasted bandwidth, so I find myself clicking on the first link I can find just to avoid downloading more of the trailer than is necessary. But if I want to actually read any of the material on the front page, I'm forced to endure that same bloody trailer over and over and over and over again.

Does that kind of endlessly repetitive marketing actually work on some people? It certainly doesn't work on me. Prior to this misguided marketing blitz, there was a small chance that I might see The Incredible Hulk in the theatre on a whim, but I'm so sick of that miserable trailer that I'm deliberately avoiding the movie in theatres, and I probably won't ever rent the DVD either.

Rushing out a reboot of the Hulk franchise a mere four years after Ang Lee's version reeks of desperation anyway, but the incessant marketing was the final straw.

Creating audience awareness is the first role of marketing, but enough is enough. My awareness has turned into annoyance.

James Bond Will Return In... Quantum of Solace?!?!?!

The title is taken from one of a collection of short stories published by 007 creator Ian Fleming in 1960.

Um... really? This is not a hoax, or a journalistic blunder? This is the actual title for the next James Bond movie? Really?

I'm thinking Bond 22 would have looked better on a marquee.

On the plus side, I probably won't confuse this new film with any of the other Bond flicks the way I did with last few Brosnan efforts, The World Never Dies Another Day and Tomorrow Is Not Enough.

Another plus is that I already have a good title for my review of the film, should I write one...

"Quantity Of Suckage".

If the movie turns out to be good, I'll just have to find a way to make that title fit.

Quantum Of Solace... Really rolls off the tongue, doesn't it?

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Past And Future Rip-Offs In NBC's Heroes

After getting off to an outstanding start, Heroes wasn’t able to deliver much of anything in the latter half of the first season. The series peaked right around the time Peter saved the cheerleader, and everything afterwards seemed anti-climactic. It was obviously stalling for time after shooting its wad too early, sending its heroes on one side-quest after another while trying to justify the lull by arguing about semantics, i.e. “Maybe it was ‘Save the cheerleader, then save then world’.” And even though the series was still good at creating cliffhangers, the payoffs were never as good as the setups, and each episode ultimately left me feeling disappointed. The writing seemed to suffer because of the assembly-line approach dictated by network television in America, and perhaps the biggest sign of the show’s decline was all the recycled story ideas.

The premise itself is a blatant rip-off of the X-Men combined with the realistic approach of M. Night Shyamalan’s Unbreakable, but it worked in the beginning. Most of the powers displayed by the heroes are familiar comic book archetypes, but even that was forgivable because the actors were all fresh faces and the writing was so sharp. As the series progressed, it began to incorporate elements from other sources, so the following article lists some examples of other people's ideas that have already worked their way into the show, and other possible story lines Heroes might rip off/pay homage to in the future.

• The X-Files - One of the ultimate cult classics on TV, it started out as a compelling series where each individual episode stood on its own as a terrific little horror story. But then the series got bogged down in the alien invasion plot and the machinations of the mysterious group of rich white men who were manipulating events from the shadows. Heroes has its own group of rich white men with unlimited resources and an interest in the paranormal, represented by Mr. Bennet's former employer, the Company. And Bennet himself started out as a mysterious villain known only to the heroes as "The Man With The Horn-Rimmed Glasses" which seemed like an homage to William B. Davis' "Cigarette Smoking Man".
• The Watchmen - Considered one of the greatest stories in the history of comic books, Heroes has beaten Hollywood to the punch by stealing several ideas from this iconic Alan Moore story before Hack Snyder (300) could bring his version to the big screen. Both stories have two generations of heroes, a mysterious killer hunting the retired crime-fighters, and the villain's plot in the Watchmen was more or less the same as Linderman's nefarious idea to unite people through a shared tragedy. (Side question: instead of manipulating Peter's entire life to turn him into a human bomb that destroys New York, wouldn't it have been much easier to build an actual bomb?)
• The Lord Of The Rings - Sauron only had one evil eye to watch Frodo with, but apart from that this new unseen villain haunting Molly's dreams is a lazy knock-off of the Dark Lord of Mordor. I can't imagine anything much more obvious than that spooky voice telling Molly "I can see you". It's like the writers aren't even trying to hide their influences any more.
• Star Wars – What was the purpose of Nathan’s vision of his scarred visage in barroom mirror during the season two premiere? Anything would be better than that ridiculous beard, but I suspect this was more than just an expression of his inner desire to try a new look. I’ll bet that something in the future will leave Nathan hideously scarred – perhaps a tragic shaving accident – and this will lure Nathan over to the dark side where he becomes some sort of masked, heavy-breathing Darth Vaderesque villain, bitter from losing the election and hell-bent on seizing power any way possible.
• Star Trek – After the stunt casting of George Takei and Nichelle Nichols, it’s apparent that someone on the creative team is an original series era Trekkie. So how long will it be before some of Gene Roddenberry’s concepts start working their way into this increasingly derivative show? Probably not long. Maybe Matt Parkman’s abilities will evolve to the point where he can perform mind melds. Maybe once the heroes finally decide to don uniforms they’ll be brightly coloured and made of velour. Hayden Panettiere in an ultra-miniskirt would be a real ratings boost for sure. But my money is on a more obvious choice – the Eugenics Wars. For the uninitiated, that's shorthand for humans vs. the genetically enhanced in all all-out war for world supremacy. Substitute “mutants” for “genetically enhanced” and it’s a perfect fit. Plus it would double up as yet another idea inspired by the X-Men. Of course, the show won’t actually deliver a war. There’ll just be a lot of talk about it without either side ever taking any action. An all-out war is something the budget could never handle, so the writers will probably just give us the familiar tease without the climax.
• Spider-Man – He’s the biggest superhero of them all, so I wouldn’t be surprised to see more of the web-slinger working its way into the show somehow. Isaac Mendez selling paintings of the heroes was already sort of similar to Peter Parker's day job at a photographer. Also, take Peter Petrelli’s first name plus Matt Parkman's last name and what do you have? Grounds for a lawsuit, that's what. Plus, both characters have a lot in common with the Marvel Comics archetype of an everyman hero, but Peter/Parkman’s powers are already well-established, so there’s another way they’ll have to go to make this work. You’ve already got a scientist (Dr. Suresh) and an apartment filled with insects (cockroaches) so throw in some radiation and bingo – Cockroach Man! Sure, it sounds absurd, but people hate spiders almost as much as they hate cockroaches, so everyone thought Stan Lee was crazy too.
• Batman– Number two on the Hollywood Superhero power list, and an obvious source for inspiration, if you can call stealing inspiration. I laughed out loud when Claire’s new season two love interest introduced himself as West, as in Adam, so I wondered if he’d turn out to be the son of wealthy parents who were killed before his eyes, but instead it turns out dude can fly, so who knows where they’re going with that. In any case, West is the stupidest first name for a television character since Fox, as in Mulder. Maybe Mr. Bennett will get tired of being some powerless sissy, don a utility belt, and start fighting crime under the shadow of darkness.
• The Seven Samurai – With Hiro in 17th century Japan, this one is practically inevitable. The main questions are how blatant will the rip-off be, will any of the fanboys even recognize such an old school reference, and will this rip-off include a subsidiary rip-off of…
• The Princess Bride – As soon as Hiro’s childhood idol turned out to be a phony, I expected to see some Dread Pirate Roberts action. It’s already going in that direction, with the Englishman using locals to do his bidding while pretending to be Tazeko Kensei, so I suspect Hiro will assume the identity of the famous samurai, save the village, win the girl, solve the mystery of the fire swamp, then, once the name of Takezo Kensei has been redeemed, he’ll pass on the mantle to some young Japanese warrior, telling him that the name is what strikes fear into the hearts of villains, not the man, yada, yada, yada, it’s all been done before, and then Hiro will teleport off to somewhere else cool. Maybe some place with pirates.
• Pirates Of The Caribbean - Pirates are hot right now, and much cheaper to shoot than giant transforming robots, and since the producers of this show seem shameless enough to give the fanboys what’s worked before, this wouldn’t be too much of a stretch.
• Office Space – Mr. Bennet’s story arc in the season two premiere seemed to be a one-off copy of the hero’s crappy day job and annoying boss in The Incredibles, but maybe they’ll stick with this for a while and show Bennet going ape on a fax machine. Unlikely though, since the HRG as Assistant Manager subplot was already wrapped up in a neat little clichéd bow.
• Night Gallery – You could make a case that Isaac’s paintings were a rip-off of Night Gallery from the very beginning, but they were an important part of the show’s visual appeal – and much cheaper than actual FX – so I was quite surprised when Hiro wasn’t able to somehow save Isaac. True, Santiago Cabrera was the worst actor on the show, but that doesn’t mean the paintings have to cease. Peter absorbed Isaac’s powers, so hopefully he found the time to produce some artwork during the hiatus. And since Mohinder’s voice-overs are already a familiar part of the opening of each episode, you could always have him walk through a darkened room full of Isaac’s paintings while delivering that painful exposition and smoking a cigarette.
• Desperate Housewives – I was surprised when Mrs. Bennett turned out to still be a part of the series when she showed up at the dinner table. I had assumed that she’d been written off the show, just like Matt’s wife, Nathan's wife, Claire’s friend Zach, and all the other characters who had simply disappeared when the producers no longer felt like paying their salaries. If Mrs. Bennet is still around, there must be a reason for it beyond the constant obsessive dog-owner jokes that were explored so completely in Best In Show. She’s no Eva Longoria, but she’s not much older or uglier than Felicity Huffman, so expect to see a shirtless swarthy poolboy or a handsome man trapped in a sexless marriage to appear in the neighbourhood before sweeps week. As for Claire's brother who did nothing but nod and mumble one line in the season two premiere – he’s dead meat. Unless he’s some network executive’s nephew, I expect his character to be killed off ASAP. Either that or he’s got nothing better to do and he’ll keep showing up at short notice each week to be little more than a glorified extra. Good career path.
• Three Men And A Little Lady – You’ve already got Matt Parkman and Dr. Suresh taking care of Molly. And now that George Takei’s character is out of the picture, Ando suddenly finds himself jobless and storyless. What good is a sidekick without a hero to suck up to? I can see Ando moving in with Matt and Suresh while the three of them bicker and make one hilarious blunder after another while trying to raise poor Molly, who turns out to be more of an adult than any of the grown-ups, ‘natch. Throw in a wacky neighbour and you’ve got a sitcom classic in the making. And speaking of neighbours, I know Eden is dead, but that doesn’t have to mean she’s dead dead. She’s too cute to stay killed, and since credibility is no longer an issue on this show, I say bring her back. It could be Three Men, A Ghost, And A Little Lady. I smell an Emmy. Well, maybe a Golden Globe.
  

I didn't go back and rewatch the entire first season before writing this post, so feel free to let me know about any recycled ideas I may have missed. And despite all my whining, I still think that season one of Heroes is very much worth having on DVD, even if you wind up throwing away the final disc. I wouldn't have bothered writing a post like this if I hadn't enjoyed the beginning of the series so thoroughly, which lead to my disappointment when the show fell so far so fast. And I wouldn't have bothered watching the season two premiere if I hadn't been hoping for the best while expecting the worst. "I broke history" was a great line, and one which actually seemed original to me, so that offered a tiny glimmer of hope in an otherwise ho-hum episode. I'll probably keep watching now that I've got the griping out of my system. The show is the only thing on TV I watch these days, and it's become somewhat of a habit. Hopefully it'll return to its former glory.

Create Your Own South Park Character

This site features a fun, easy to use Flash animation tool that allows you to quickly create your own South Park character that looks remarkably like something that would have appeared on the show. You just point and click to choose eyes, mouths, hair, hats, clothes, and skin color. There are also a variety of accessories to choose from, including Mr. Hat, and even a wide assortment of weapons for some strange reason.

If you want to save your picture you'll have to do a screengrab, so if you're not sure how to do that make sure you read the instructions on the site's help file before you begin. I accidentally erased my first character when I clicked on the help file.

In less than fifteen minutes I came up with this Stone/Parker-esque representation of me facing yet another dreary Vancouver evening. It's probably the closest thing to a picture of myself I'll ever post, so enjoy!



PS - Two months without a blog entry, then I suddenly make posts on consecutive days! What's up with that? Obviously my urge to blog comes and goes, so no more promises about posting often or trying to stay on a certain topic. If I have something I want to share with someone and there's no one around to talk to except my cat, I may blog. Or I may not.

Halloween Special: Exorcist Outtakes

Any list of the greatest horror films of all-time would have to include the Exorcist at or very close to the top of the list. But like any movie, it would have been much different if certain choices hadn't been made in the editing room. Today's article will take a look at some of those deleted scenes, a few of which have been restored in recent years, but many of which have been lost forever.

The most infamous deleted scene from the Exorcist was the fabled "Spider Walk" sequence wherein the possessed Regan walks down the stairs on all fours, her spine twisted horribly, and then scuttles across the floor with a lizard-like tongue flicking in and out of her mouth.


The merit of this sequence has been debated by the film's fans for years, even before it was restored in the expanded version of the movie released a few years ago. Personally, I think the sequence holds up reasonably well, and probably would have been very chilling back in 1973.

But what most fans don't know is that there was an alternate version of this scene where, instead of doing the "Spider Walk", Regan performs a Chicken Dance, much to her mother's horror. Sadly, footage of this version has never surfaced. Pity.


Demons In Iraq? Too Obvious

Another little-known cut revolved around Father Merrin, played by Max Von Sydow.

The version of the film released to theatres begins with a long sequence featuring Father Merrin in Iraq on an archaeological dig. But the studio felt this lengthy prologue would test the audience's patience since the movie was marketed as a horror film about a little girl possessed by the devil, not as a movie about an old man sifting through the dirt in the Middle East. So, at the studio's request, Friedkin shot an alternate opening with a much younger Father Merrin in rural Japan, learning martial arts and saving a village from a horde of angry demons. Some hand to hand combat was then added to the the exorcism sequence in Regan's bedroom, but those were eventually cut since Friedkin deliberately shot the martial arts sequences in a campy, overblown fashion and the studio eventually agreed that the Iraqi sequence could stay. Friedkin has kept the Japanese footage under lock and key threatening to sue anyone who makes it available to the public, but this rare still has surfaced in recent years...

Father Merrin, about to deliver a vicious karate chop

The Sexorcist?

The studio also decided during the editing stage that the film could use a little sex to jazz things up, so it was suggested that Friedkin shoot a sequence showing Father Damian Karras' mother sucking co**s in hell. Friedkin wisely refused, so the task was handed over to Penthouse publisher Bob Guccione, who would later draw upon this experience when adding explicit sex scenes to Caligula after the original director had already finished his cut. Mercifully, none of Guccione's footage shot for the Exorcist can be found today.


Captain How'd He Do That?

One of the more chilling images in the Exorcist has to be Captain Howdy, a disturbing manifestation of the demon which appears almost subliminally, appearing out of the darkness in quick shots during various dream sequences. But despite the lasting impact of this makeup creation, it wasn't William Friedkin's first choice.

During the initial stages of pre-production, the makeup department created a truly repulsive version of Captain Howdy which Friedkin showed to various test audiences prior to the film's release. The audience reacted with such horror that many of them fainted or got up and left the theatre. Those who stayed left comments about about Captain Howdy like "disgusting", "repulsive", "I love to be scared, but that freakish, pale white face went too far." The studio agreed. Friedkin was asked to tone down the Captain Howdy makeup, and the memorable image of Captain Howdy as we know him was created. And now, for the first time ever, The Thinking Man's Idiot has obtained a still image of the original Captain Howdy which was deemed too horrific for mass consumption. Read on if you dare.

Captain Howdy, as seen in the Exorcist

The original Captain Howdy

If that doesn't keep you up nights, nothing will.

Classic Cinematic Captions

I'm not saying my captions are classic (that's for the readers to decide) and they're hardly cinematic either. They're just plain text on a white background. Not exactly Lawrence Of Arabia in Cinemascope. But I'm sure you know what I mean.



"Greetings, Earthlings. I come to you in the spirit of peace from the galaxy Andromeda. I bring you wondrous new technologies that will enable you to end world hunger, travel to distant star systems, eliminate all pollution, and end your reliance on fossil fuels. But first, does anybody have a towel? I'm sweating like a motherf**ker in this suit."







"A monolith, huh? We had something similar on our planet. For us, it was more hydrant-shaped. Taught our ancestors how to use a can opener. Things were never the same after that."






"Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife...
YOU DAMN DIRTY APES!!!"

If you don't click this link, the Cylons have won

Click here for some very stylish Battlestar Galactica-themed election-year buttons, courtesy of the very witty Rob Cottingham, although he missed a golden opportunity to work in a reference to the war in Ifraq.

I've been very busy the last few months trying to find a new job and developing an online venture that might bring in a little cash (more on that later) so I've been neglecting this blog, which, I'm sure, has caused great anguish among my many, many readers. I think I'll get back to posting semi-irregular attempts at comedy and random thoughts about burning issues of the day, like who the f**k does Scarlett Johanssen think she is recording an album of Tom Waits songs! More on that later, too.

More Thoughts On Mel – Plus Another Movie Pitch

I honestly didn’t expect a mini-controversy (see below) to erupt over my Mel Gibson blog entry, but in retrospect, it’s not that surprising. Any time you mock someone who’s beloved by millions, especially when religion is involved, you’re bound to take some heat for it, and I’m okay with that. My only regret in all this is that it brought up some bad memories of Stuart Adamson, a personal hero of mine, who also battled alcoholism.

For those who don’t know, Stuart was the leader of Big Country, the Scottish rock group best known for their debut album The Crossing and hit singles like In A Big Country, Fields Of Fire, Look Away, Chance, and Wonderland.

Late in life, Stuart suffered a relapse and was charged with drunk driving in Florida. Shortly afterwards, he went missing for nearly a month, and was eventually found dead in a Honolulu motel room where he had hung himself. His blood alcohol level at the time of his death was 0.279 percent. The legal limit for driving is 0.08 percent.

It hadn’t occurred to me that jokes about Mel Gibson’s drunk driving would trigger memories of Stuart’s darkest hour when I posted a link on the Big Country website, and for that I apologize to Stuart’s fans and anyone who knew him. It still pains me to think about that dark period in Stuart’s life. I honestly never thought about Stuart while writing that post.

With that being said, I still think drunk driving and reckless driving in general is a horrible thing to do, and people should be held accountable for their actions. If Stuart had lived, I would have expected him to serve whatever jail time the judge deemed appropriate, and I would have hoped he’d get the help he needed to battle his demons. The same goes for Mel Gibson. Since he means nothing to me personally, I chose to express myself through jokes, or attempts at such. If Mel Gibson’s fans were upset, remember that he brought it on himself, and I’m hardly the only one joking about it.

One reason for my post was to remind people that alcohol is a drug that’s every bit as dangerous as illegal drugs like heroin or cocaine. It’s extremely addictive, it can ruin your entire life, it can make you do things you’ll regret for the rest of your life, and you can overdose from it or die from accidents related to alcohol. Worst of all, you might kill someone else. So when someone as famous as Mel Gibson screws up publicly because of alcohol, non-celebrities like me have a chance to make their voices heard on the subject.

When famous people do anything, the average Joe pays attention. If a normal person had done what Mel did, it would have shown up on the police blotter in a Malibu paper and that would have been the end of it. If a non-celebrity had done what Mel Gibson did and killed someone – a very real possibility – it would have been headline news in Malibu for a few days, but the rest of the world wouldn’t have heard a thing about it. But when Mel Gibson gets arrested for driving drunk, the world suddenly pays attention. That’s where people like me come in.

If celebrities who drive drunk are publicly mocked and sufficiently punished by the legal system for their crimes, it just might cause a few people out there to think twice about getting behind the wheel after they’ve had a few, and that’s a good thing. If young people realize that alcohol can make them do incredibly stupid things in the short term and destroy their lives in the long term, they may not even drink in the first place, and that’s a very good thing. If Mel Gibson had never touched a drop in his life, he wouldn’t be going through what he’s going through now. And I sincerely believe that if Stuart Adamson had not been seduced by the glamour of alcohol as a young man, he’d still be with us today writing wonderful songs like this…

"Devil In The Eye"
(Stuart Adamson/Ray Davies)

Take a little care
When you put your lips
To her long cool neck
One kiss will be too much
A hundred not enough
Treat her with respect

If I could tell this to you
Would you believe it was true
You might just laugh I expect
And say you feel sophisticated
Confident and ready for the next

Has no time for modesty
Doesn't care for honesty
Deals in broken promises
Will spell you with her lies

Has no time for modesty
Doesn't care for honesty
Deals in broken promises
Will look the devil in the eye

You'll be the class fool
A perfect asshole
You'll be the guy in control
And make decisions
Based on derision
And wake up deep in a hole

Wishing the ground would
Open beneath you
Enough to swallow you whole
So you don't have to face the wreckage
You left scattered from the night before

Has no time for modesty
Doesn't care for honesty
Deals in broken promises
Will spell you with her lies

Has no time for modesty
Doesn't care for honesty
Deals in broken promises
Will look the devil in the eye

You will be dazzled by
The pictures she will paint
Colours she will bring
And feel so safe and warm
Far away from harm
Wrapped up in her wings

And slowly drift through the day
Letting it all slip away
Without a care in the world
And wake up in a cold sweat
Screaming for her touch to ease your troubled soul

Has no time for modesty
Doesn't care for honesty
Deals in broken promises
Will spell you with her lies

Has no time for modesty
Doesn't care for honesty
Deals in broken promises
Will look the devil in the eye
Will look the devil in the eye

Now if I could get back to Mel Gibson for a minute, I find it unfortunate that the media is choosing to focus on Mel’s alleged anti-Semitic remarks. As vile as racism is, it’s not a crime. Drunk driving is. It’s a very serious crime, and the focus on the alleged statements downplays the gravity of the crime that we know was committed. If what he supposedly said turns out to be true, he should be tried in the court of public opinion, but he should also carry the stigma of being a drunk driver every where he goes.

Also, I’ve heard people say, “He’s already apologized. Can’t we just leave it at that?”

Hell, no!

First of all, his apology was probably as much a callous business move as it was an act of genuine remorse. The apology was released by Mel Gibson’s publicist, whose top priority is to make sure Mel Gibson’s image is not tarnished by this arrest. There’s an excellent chance the apology was written by the publicist, or a crack team of highly-paid damage control experts, in consultation with the legal department, of course. Maybe Mel had a chance to approve the final copy before it was released to the media, but it wouldn’t surprise me if the apology was already being worked on by Mel’s “people” while their meal ticket was still stewing in the drunk tank.

As far as I’m concerned, his “apology” is meaningless.

If Mel Gibson is genuinely remorseful about what he’s done, here’s what he should do – use his vast financial resources to fund a movie about the potential horrors associated with drunk driving. Given his penchant for slow-motion cinematic violence, I bet he could come up with something sufficiently disgusting to make sure a lot of people never make the same mistake he made this past weekend. I even have a title for him… “Blood On The Highway”. And if he needs a failed screenwriter to come up with a script, he knows where to find me.

Here I am, less than week into my blog’s existence, and I’ve already wavered from the idea that this would simply be an outlet for my attempts at comedy. I guess that’s okay, but don’t expect all my posts to be as serious-minded as this one. I’m sure my next post will be nothing but a bunch of goofy jokes without an ounce of substance. At least, I hope so. Being silly is much easier.

What Would Jesus Drink?

As the Tequila Sunrise rose over Malibu, actor Mel Gibson was arrested for driving a Lethal Weapon (a 2006 Lexus LS 430) at twice the speed limit while under the influence of alcohol.

Mel, Bubby... this is not What Women Want. A man your age shouldn't be acting like such a Maverick. You're not Forever Young, Mel. The Signs are all around you -- it's time to grow up. You're lucky you didn't wind up in The River. If you had slammed your car into a tree you would have gone flying through the windshield and wound up The Man Without A Face. And what if you'd killed someone? You would have wound up with a Bounty on your head. In your defence, at least you didn't make a Chicken Run when the police pulled you over. But maybe this is just Payback for your high-and-mighty behaviour these past few years. We don't need the guy who played Mad Max trying to save our souls with religious dogma. Just stick to what you know -- beating people up and Three Stooges impressions.

For any readers who're interested, I've posted a link to Mel's official statement on the arrest, translated from the original Aramaic.

UPDATE: My blog has been around for less than a week and it's already generating a bit of controversy. I knew there was a good reason for doing this!

Click over to the official Big Country website if you want to read the fuss my Mel Gibson post has caused. Click fast, though. Threads that get heated tend to disappear once the moderator reads them.

(D'oh! You're too late! The thread has already been deleted. Frankly, I'm surprised it lasted as long as it did.)

UPDATE #2:

To follow this story and make your own judgments, click on the links below. Just don't believe everything you read. The media reports, the police report, the apology released by Mel's publicist, they all have an agenda and they all have their bias. So does my blog. Read for yourselves and think what you will.

Mel's alleged anti-Semitic and sexist remarks during the arrest

Has Mel been stopped for DUI in Malibu before but never arrested? Third time's the harm?

CNN.com: "If there was a cover-up, it wasn't a total cover-up"

Hallelujah! Someone Is FINALLY Using The Internet To Talk About Star Trek and Monty Python!

I'm hardly a Trekkie, or a Trekker, but I am a fan, and Monty Python had a huge influence on my sense of humour, so when I came across this hilarious mish-mash of the two, it was a real treat.

http://www.devilducky.com/media/48608/

And while I'm on the subject of Star Trek, here's a scene I would have liked to see on the Next Generation. (I apologize in advance for the very unprofessional screenplay formatting, but I'm new at this HTML business.)

"April Fools Day"



INT. BRIDGE

The entire crew is at their stations. On the view screen, a large asteroid.

DATA:
The quanto-lithic phasers are online and ready for testing, sir.

PICARD:
Any ships in the system, Data?

DATA:
No, sir.

RIKER:
Any inhabited planets?

DATA:
No, commander. This system is completely devoid of life.

PICARD:
Very well. I think it's time to proceed with the test.

RIKER:
Agreed.

PICARD:
Data, fire at will.

Data spins, pulls out his hand phaser, at aims at Commander Riker.

RIKER:
What? --

Riker is cut down by Data's phaser and drops in a heap to the floor.

FADE TO BLACK

INT. BRIDGE - LATER

Riker slowly comes to and sees --

Data, standing over him.

DATA:
I do apologize, sir. It was the Captain's orders.

RIKER:
Orders?

PICARD:
April Fools, Will.

DATA:
You see, Commander, when the Captain said "fire at will", the conceit was that I had misinterpreted his command as "fire at Will", which is a shortened form of your first name. The joke is quite clever when you compare it to the work of some renowned humorists from Earth's history, for example --

RIKER:
Yes, Data, thank you. I get the joke.

Picard helps Riker to his feet.

RIKER:
And it was your idea, Captain?

PICARD:
Indeed.

Riker brushes himself off, regains his dignity.

RIKER:
In that case, it was very funny.

PICARD:
Shall we proceed with the test?

RIKER:
By all means.

PICARD:
Then make it so, Number One.

Riker quickly unzips his fly and pees on Picard's leg. The crew looks on in shock.

RIKER:
I'm sorry, sir. I thought you said "Make me soaked in number one."

The crew tries to suppress their laughter while Picard quietly fumes.

RIKER:
April Fools, sir.

TROI:
(to Picard)
All things considered, you might say that turnabout is fair play, Captain.

Picard considers his next move, then nods slightly in Riker's direction, conceding the point.

PICARD:
If anyone needs me, I'll be changing into a clean uniform. You have the bridge, Number O--
(stops himself)
You have the bridge, Will.

Picard exits into the turbolift. The crew bursts out in laughter, all except Data and Worf.

DATA:
Commander, I fail to see the humour in urinating on a superior officer.

WORF:
There is none. Bathroom humour is without honour.

RIKER:
It's immature, I'll grant you, but humans often find humour in bodily functions.

WESLEY:
And when stern authority figures get their comeuppance, it's always hysterical.

DR. CRUSHER:
Watching Jean-Luc fume was priceless!

GEORDI:
I really loved the play on words.

DATA:
Play on words?

RIKER:
Search your database for the colloquial use of the term "Number One".

DATA:
Processing...

As Data scours his internal database, Picard returns to the bridge in a clean uniform.

DATA:
Ah! Mid-twentieth century Earth slang. "Number one" was often used as a euphemism for urination. I see. Quite amusing. And since I am next in the chain of command, that would, in effect, make me "Number Two".

Data approaches Picard, turns around, and drops his trousers.

PICARD:
NO, DATA!!!