E! Online reports that Sarah Silverman has finally come to her senses and ended her relationship with Jimmy Kimmel after five long, baffling years.
The article doesn't specifically state that it was Silverman who did the dumping, but the reverse would be inconceivable, so I'd say it's a safe bet that Kimmel was the one being cast aside.
I happened to be watching Silverman's guest appearance on Star Trek: Voyagerjust last night, so I can only assume that she sensed I was thinking about her and had a vision of the better life that awaits her if she'd only pick up the phone and rescind that restraining order.
Here's my offer to you, Sarah Silverman. I will happily bathe you from head to toe and perform a cleansing ritual to remove the lingering stench of failure which must still be clinging to your sublime skin and luxurious hair after spending so much time in close proximity to Jimmy Kimmel.
In other words, I'll help you wash that man right out of your hair, massage that man right out of your shoulders, rub that man right out of your thighs, and tickle that man right out of your taint.
Furthermore, I promise to dedicate every waking moment to supporting you and fulfilling your every need in a way that only an unemployed man could. There's no chance of me ever placing my career before you since I have no career and no desire to find one. And I could never be jealous of your accomplishments because the more successful you are the more time I get to spend basking in your glory, helping you traverse mud puddles, carrying your purse, eating bonbons, and hand-washing your unmentionables.
I also pledge to be less fat and every bit as charming and witty as Jimmy Kimmel ever was, but really, how could I not?
You can read more about my on-again/off-again/in-again/out-again relationship with Sarah Silverman by clicking here.
There's a very funny video circulating on the interwebs right now, but it's much funnier if you know a little bit of the backstory, so I'll set it up in case you're not familiar with the participants.
Sarah Silverman is one of the sexiest comediennes of all time, and host of her own successful show on Comedy Central. I've had a crush on her since her early days as a bit player on Saturday Night Live, and I still fondly recall the episode of Greg The Bunny where she got her leg humped by an overly affectionate muppet.
But enough about me and my fetishes.
Jimmy Kimmel is an American late night talk show host with no discernible personality. He's basically a chubbier, blander version of Jay Leno. How he's kept his job this long is a mystery to me, but even more baffling is the fact that Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel have been dating for five years.
I would have hated Jimmy Kimmel purely on the basis of his horrible, horrible talk show, but the fact that he's kept Sarah Silverman from playing the field for so long makes me hate him even more. Clearly she's attracted to pasty, pudgy men, which means I have a shot, so why oh why does she stay with this schmuck?
Anyway, Sarah Silverman is a frequent guest on the schmuck's show, and she recently presented this very funny clip. As proof of Jimmy Kimmel's complete incompetence, notice how he says nothing even remotely amusing before or after the clip.
And here's a note to all the people who've posted this video on YouTube and social networking sites - notice how I didn't ruin the joke by putting a spoiler in the title of the post? Let that be a lesson to you all.
(Scroll down for the rest of the post, spoilers and all.)
Yes, she's fucking Matt Damon. That would be quite a step up from Jimmy Kimmel.
Apparently this clip is even funnier if you're a fan of Jimmy Kimmel's show - maybe you've noticed that I'm not - because Kimmel has made many jokes about Matt Damon in the past. And obviously I'm using a very broad interpretation of the word "jokes" here, since nothing Jimmy Kimmel ever says deserves to be described as such. Kimmel's Wiki page has more details on his running gags involving Matt Damon.
Actually, it occurs to me that, in a strange way, Jimmy Kimmel is the perfect talk show host because any C-list celebrity who sits beside him automatically seems witty, charming, and attractive by comparison, and the average egotistical actor would much rather feel superior by outwitting Jimmy Kimmel on national TV than risk losing a confrontation with the sometimes ornery David Letterman. This useless-lump-in-a-suit strategy helped keep Mike Bullard on Canadian TV for many years, so kudos to you Jimmy Kimmel for setting the bar even lower and keeping that seat warm for five long years in such a highly competitive field.
And since my nastiness toward Jimmy Kimmel could easily be interpreted as sour grapes, let me just say that I suspect he's a very nice guy in person and a sweet, caring boyfriend who's always giving Sarah Silverman little presents, and making her French toast in the morning, and doesn't complain when she asks him to pick up tampons on the way home, and I'll bet her grandmother probably thinks he's adorable. He gives off that kind of a vibe, so the truth is I'm not surprised he could land a woman like Sarah Silverman and manage to keep her.
just last night, so I can only assume that she sensed I was thinking about her and had a vision of the better life that awaits her if she'd only pick up the phone and rescind that restraining order. 
