This article comes from Cracked.com, the online version of the comedy magazine you probably didn't realize still existed.
When I was a kid, Cracked was to Mad Magazine what the Microsoft Zune is to the iPod. Then, it seemed to disappear, the same way HD-DVD is about to disappear, and I never thought of Cracked again until I started noticing the occasional article on Digg.
Yes, Cracked has survived into the digital age, and gotten considerably racier than I remember it, but not spectacularly funnier.
This article seems to be the exception, not the rule, but I found it good for a few laughs.
Despite being lower in fat than their fried competitors, and damned tasty, the baked tortilla chips known as Guiltless Gourmet make a promise they can't keep.
Let me assure you that if you eat an entire 200 gram bag in one sitting, you will indeed feel guilty. Also quite sleepy and a little bit sick.
I think I'll sue once I have enough strength to lift my arms.
There's a very funny video circulating on the interwebs right now, but it's much funnier if you know a little bit of the backstory, so I'll set it up in case you're not familiar with the participants.
Sarah Silverman is one of the sexiest comediennes of all time, and host of her own successful show on Comedy Central. I've had a crush on her since her early days as a bit player on Saturday Night Live, and I still fondly recall the episode of Greg The Bunny where she got her leg humped by an overly affectionate muppet.
But enough about me and my fetishes.
Jimmy Kimmel is an American late night talk show host with no discernible personality. He's basically a chubbier, blander version of Jay Leno. How he's kept his job this long is a mystery to me, but even more baffling is the fact that Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel have been dating for five years.
I would have hated Jimmy Kimmel purely on the basis of his horrible, horrible talk show, but the fact that he's kept Sarah Silverman from playing the field for so long makes me hate him even more. Clearly she's attracted to pasty, pudgy men, which means I have a shot, so why oh why does she stay with this schmuck?
Anyway, Sarah Silverman is a frequent guest on the schmuck's show, and she recently presented this very funny clip. As proof of Jimmy Kimmel's complete incompetence, notice how he says nothing even remotely amusing before or after the clip.
And here's a note to all the people who've posted this video on YouTube and social networking sites - notice how I didn't ruin the joke by putting a spoiler in the title of the post? Let that be a lesson to you all.
(Scroll down for the rest of the post, spoilers and all.)
Yes, she's fucking Matt Damon. That would be quite a step up from Jimmy Kimmel.
Apparently this clip is even funnier if you're a fan of Jimmy Kimmel's show - maybe you've noticed that I'm not - because Kimmel has made many jokes about Matt Damon in the past. And obviously I'm using a very broad interpretation of the word "jokes" here, since nothing Jimmy Kimmel ever says deserves to be described as such. Kimmel's Wiki page has more details on his running gags involving Matt Damon.
Actually, it occurs to me that, in a strange way, Jimmy Kimmel is the perfect talk show host because any C-list celebrity who sits beside him automatically seems witty, charming, and attractive by comparison, and the average egotistical actor would much rather feel superior by outwitting Jimmy Kimmel on national TV than risk losing a confrontation with the sometimes ornery David Letterman. This useless-lump-in-a-suit strategy helped keep Mike Bullard on Canadian TV for many years, so kudos to you Jimmy Kimmel for setting the bar even lower and keeping that seat warm for five long years in such a highly competitive field.
And since my nastiness toward Jimmy Kimmel could easily be interpreted as sour grapes, let me just say that I suspect he's a very nice guy in person and a sweet, caring boyfriend who's always giving Sarah Silverman little presents, and making her French toast in the morning, and doesn't complain when she asks him to pick up tampons on the way home, and I'll bet her grandmother probably thinks he's adorable. He gives off that kind of a vibe, so the truth is I'm not surprised he could land a woman like Sarah Silverman and manage to keep her.
