Second worst neighbour in the world: anyone with a stereo system like this.
Worst neighbour in the world: someone with a stereo like this who loves Barry Manilow
Friday's Caption (How's That For A Compelling Title?)
Second worst neighbour in the world: anyone with a stereo system like this.
Worst neighbour in the world: someone with a stereo like this who loves Barry Manilow
Whack-A-Chirac
"I was in America recently and I discovered this game they play. There are these mechanical moles, you see, and they suddenly pop up from their holes, and American children line up to whack these moles with a stick, or with their hands. But the moles, they are very clever, and they move very quickly, and they operate independently of each other without any logic to their movements, so you never know where or when they are going to appear. And the children of America all love this game. They have been playing it for generations. But as I watched them play, it made me think of Iraq..."
Remembrance Day / Veteran's Day
Why say anything when it's all been said before and far better than I could ever say it...
In Flanders Fields
In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.
We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.
Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.
John McCrae
Where The Rose Is Sown
We're at war All the papers say
We will win I read today
We are strong It wasn't us
We are right Who started this
Leave your work I just left school
Leave your home I am no fool
Take up arms It left me strong
Sound alarms The school bell rings
Sons of men who stand like gods
We give life to feed the cause
And run to ground our heathen foe
Our name will never die
This time will be forever
Join up here I wave good-bye
We need you Oh my breast sighs
Have no fear Now I must try
God will be With braver men
Take the vow I know it's right
Praise the flag The good fight
We're at war I'm on my way
We will win Why do I pray
Sons of men who stand like gods
We give life to feed the cause
And run to ground our heathen foe
Our name will never die
This time will be forever
I wait here in this hole
Playing poker with my soul
I hold the rifle close to me
It lights the way to keep me free
If I die in a combat zone
Box me up and ship me home
If I die and still come home
Lay me where the rose is sown
Sons of men who stand like gods
We give life to feed the cause
And run to ground our heathen foe
Our name will never die
This time will be forever
Stuart Adamson
Mid-Term Election Special
"Dig in, boys! How about you, Soldier? You look like you could use a leg."
"Oh. Sorry, fella. I didn't notice... "
"Landmine, huh?"
Dubya's recurring nightmare about what really goes on at the U.N.
Hello, my name's Mark Foley, your Republican representive from the 16th district in Florida. And now I'd like to do a number from the great Bob Dylan. It's called "My Page's Back"... I mean, uh, "My Back Pages".
A Day Late And Five Digits Short
Yes, there were times when Julie felt she'd been a bit harsh, but Tom had certainly gotten the point, and he never again attempted to cop a feel.
Halloween Special: Exorcist Outtakes
Any list of the greatest horror films of all-time would have to include the Exorcist at or very close to the top of the list. But like any movie, it would have been much different if certain choices hadn't been made in the editing room. Today's article will take a look at some of those deleted scenes, a few of which have been restored in recent years, but many of which have been lost forever.
The most infamous deleted scene from the Exorcist was the fabled "Spider Walk" sequence wherein the possessed Regan walks down the stairs on all fours, her spine twisted horribly, and then scuttles across the floor with a lizard-like tongue flicking in and out of her mouth.
The merit of this sequence has been debated by the film's fans for years, even before it was restored in the expanded version of the movie released a few years ago. Personally, I think the sequence holds up reasonably well, and probably would have been very chilling back in 1973.
But what most fans don't know is that there was an alternate version of this scene where, instead of doing the "Spider Walk", Regan performs a Chicken Dance, much to her mother's horror. Sadly, footage of this version has never surfaced. Pity.
Demons In Iraq? Too Obvious
Another little-known cut revolved around Father Merrin, played by Max Von Sydow.
Father Merrin, about to deliver a vicious karate chop
The Sexorcist?
The studio also decided during the editing stage that the film could use a little sex to jazz things up, so it was suggested that Friedkin shoot a sequence showing Father Damian Karras' mother sucking co**s in hell. Friedkin wisely refused, so the task was handed over to Penthouse publisher Bob Guccione, who would later draw upon this experience when adding explicit sex scenes to Caligula after the original director had already finished his cut. Mercifully, none of Guccione's footage shot for the Exorcist can be found today.
Captain How'd He Do That?
One of the more chilling images in the Exorcist has to be Captain Howdy, a disturbing manifestation of the demon which appears almost subliminally, appearing out of the darkness in quick shots during various dream sequences. But despite the lasting impact of this makeup creation, it wasn't William Friedkin's first choice.
During the initial stages of pre-production, the makeup department created a truly repulsive version of Captain Howdy which Friedkin showed to various test audiences prior to the film's release. The audience reacted with such horror that many of them fainted or got up and left the theatre. Those who stayed left comments about about Captain Howdy like "disgusting", "repulsive", "I love to be scared, but that freakish, pale white face went too far." The studio agreed. Friedkin was asked to tone down the Captain Howdy makeup, and the memorable image of Captain Howdy as we know him was created. And now, for the first time ever, The Thinking Man's Idiot has obtained a still image of the original Captain Howdy which was deemed too horrific for mass consumption. Read on if you dare.
Captain Howdy, as seen in the Exorcist
The original Captain Howdy
If that doesn't keep you up nights, nothing will.
The most infamous deleted scene from the Exorcist was the fabled "Spider Walk" sequence wherein the possessed Regan walks down the stairs on all fours, her spine twisted horribly, and then scuttles across the floor with a lizard-like tongue flicking in and out of her mouth.
The merit of this sequence has been debated by the film's fans for years, even before it was restored in the expanded version of the movie released a few years ago. Personally, I think the sequence holds up reasonably well, and probably would have been very chilling back in 1973.
But what most fans don't know is that there was an alternate version of this scene where, instead of doing the "Spider Walk", Regan performs a Chicken Dance, much to her mother's horror. Sadly, footage of this version has never surfaced. Pity.
Demons In Iraq? Too Obvious
Another little-known cut revolved around Father Merrin, played by Max Von Sydow.
The version of the film released to theatres begins with a long sequence featuring Father Merrin in Iraq on an archaeological dig. But the studio felt this lengthy prologue would test the audience's patience since the movie was marketed as a horror film about a little girl possessed by the devil, not as a movie about an old man sifting through the dirt in the Middle East. So, at the studio's request, Friedkin shot an alternate opening with a much younger Father Merrin in rural Japan, learning martial arts and saving a village from a horde of angry demons. Some hand to hand combat was then added to the the exorcism sequence in Regan's bedroom, but those were eventually cut since Friedkin deliberately shot the martial arts sequences in a campy, overblown fashion and the studio eventually agreed that the Iraqi sequence could stay. Friedkin has kept the Japanese footage under lock and key threatening to sue anyone who makes it available to the public, but this rare still has surfaced in recent years...
Father Merrin, about to deliver a vicious karate chopThe Sexorcist?
The studio also decided during the editing stage that the film could use a little sex to jazz things up, so it was suggested that Friedkin shoot a sequence showing Father Damian Karras' mother sucking co**s in hell. Friedkin wisely refused, so the task was handed over to Penthouse publisher Bob Guccione, who would later draw upon this experience when adding explicit sex scenes to Caligula after the original director had already finished his cut. Mercifully, none of Guccione's footage shot for the Exorcist can be found today.
Captain How'd He Do That?
One of the more chilling images in the Exorcist has to be Captain Howdy, a disturbing manifestation of the demon which appears almost subliminally, appearing out of the darkness in quick shots during various dream sequences. But despite the lasting impact of this makeup creation, it wasn't William Friedkin's first choice.
During the initial stages of pre-production, the makeup department created a truly repulsive version of Captain Howdy which Friedkin showed to various test audiences prior to the film's release. The audience reacted with such horror that many of them fainted or got up and left the theatre. Those who stayed left comments about about Captain Howdy like "disgusting", "repulsive", "I love to be scared, but that freakish, pale white face went too far." The studio agreed. Friedkin was asked to tone down the Captain Howdy makeup, and the memorable image of Captain Howdy as we know him was created. And now, for the first time ever, The Thinking Man's Idiot has obtained a still image of the original Captain Howdy which was deemed too horrific for mass consumption. Read on if you dare.
Captain Howdy, as seen in the Exorcist
The original Captain HowdyIf that doesn't keep you up nights, nothing will.
"Bush Is Dumb" Joke #725,548,584,675
Never Cross A Hypnotist
"When I snap my fingers you will awake and explain to me, once and for all, what in God's name possessed you to sleep with my best friend!"
Jokes That Help Explain Why I Don't Have Kids
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Classic Cinematic Captions
I'm not saying my captions are classic (that's for the readers to decide) and they're hardly cinematic either. They're just plain text on a white background. Not exactly Lawrence Of Arabia in Cinemascope. But I'm sure you know what I mean.
"Greetings, Earthlings. I come to you in the spirit of peace from the galaxy Andromeda. I bring you wondrous new technologies that will enable you to end world hunger, travel to distant star systems, eliminate all pollution, and end your reliance on fossil fuels. But first, does anybody have a towel? I'm sweating like a motherf**ker in this suit."
"A monolith, huh? We had something similar on our planet. For us, it was more hydrant-shaped. Taught our ancestors how to use a can opener. Things were never the same after that."
"Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife...
YOU DAMN DIRTY APES!!!"
"Greetings, Earthlings. I come to you in the spirit of peace from the galaxy Andromeda. I bring you wondrous new technologies that will enable you to end world hunger, travel to distant star systems, eliminate all pollution, and end your reliance on fossil fuels. But first, does anybody have a towel? I'm sweating like a motherf**ker in this suit."
"Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife...
YOU DAMN DIRTY APES!!!"
Random Images + Silly Captions = Cheap Laughs
In an effort to make this blog a going concern, I will begin to post images I find on the net and silly captions to go along with them. It's kept Weekend Update going for 25 years, so maybe I can get some mileage out of it, too.
I'll try to do one a day, and I'll start things off with a picture featuring multiple captions. Hopefully you'll get a giggle or two out of them.
I'll try to do one a day, and I'll start things off with a picture featuring multiple captions. Hopefully you'll get a giggle or two out of them.
"Whistler's Mother? She was a demon in the sack."
or...
"What's so special about this 'abstract art' crap. Every damn picture looks like a cataract."
or...
Kurt knew that Grampa was forever lost to senility after he spent twenty minutes asking Gainsborough's The Blue Boy to pull his finger.
If you don't click this link, the Cylons have won
Click here for some very stylish Battlestar Galactica-themed election-year buttons, courtesy of the very witty Rob Cottingham, although he missed a golden opportunity to work in a reference to the war in Ifraq.
I've been very busy the last few months trying to find a new job and developing an online venture that might bring in a little cash (more on that later) so I've been neglecting this blog, which, I'm sure, has caused great anguish among my many, many readers. I think I'll get back to posting semi-irregular attempts at comedy and random thoughts about burning issues of the day, like who the f**k does Scarlett Johanssen think she is recording an album of Tom Waits songs! More on that later, too.
I've been very busy the last few months trying to find a new job and developing an online venture that might bring in a little cash (more on that later) so I've been neglecting this blog, which, I'm sure, has caused great anguish among my many, many readers. I think I'll get back to posting semi-irregular attempts at comedy and random thoughts about burning issues of the day, like who the f**k does Scarlett Johanssen think she is recording an album of Tom Waits songs! More on that later, too.
More Thoughts On Mel – Plus Another Movie Pitch
I honestly didn’t expect a mini-controversy (see below) to erupt over my Mel Gibson blog entry, but in retrospect, it’s not that surprising. Any time you mock someone who’s beloved by millions, especially when religion is involved, you’re bound to take some heat for it, and I’m okay with that. My only regret in all this is that it brought up some bad memories of Stuart Adamson, a personal hero of mine, who also battled alcoholism.
For those who don’t know, Stuart was the leader of Big Country, the Scottish rock group best known for their debut album The Crossing and hit singles like In A Big Country, Fields Of Fire, Look Away, Chance, and Wonderland.
Late in life, Stuart suffered a relapse and was charged with drunk driving in Florida. Shortly afterwards, he went missing for nearly a month, and was eventually found dead in a Honolulu motel room where he had hung himself. His blood alcohol level at the time of his death was 0.279 percent. The legal limit for driving is 0.08 percent.
It hadn’t occurred to me that jokes about Mel Gibson’s drunk driving would trigger memories of Stuart’s darkest hour when I posted a link on the Big Country website, and for that I apologize to Stuart’s fans and anyone who knew him. It still pains me to think about that dark period in Stuart’s life. I honestly never thought about Stuart while writing that post.
With that being said, I still think drunk driving and reckless driving in general is a horrible thing to do, and people should be held accountable for their actions. If Stuart had lived, I would have expected him to serve whatever jail time the judge deemed appropriate, and I would have hoped he’d get the help he needed to battle his demons. The same goes for Mel Gibson. Since he means nothing to me personally, I chose to express myself through jokes, or attempts at such. If Mel Gibson’s fans were upset, remember that he brought it on himself, and I’m hardly the only one joking about it.
One reason for my post was to remind people that alcohol is a drug that’s every bit as dangerous as illegal drugs like heroin or cocaine. It’s extremely addictive, it can ruin your entire life, it can make you do things you’ll regret for the rest of your life, and you can overdose from it or die from accidents related to alcohol. Worst of all, you might kill someone else. So when someone as famous as Mel Gibson screws up publicly because of alcohol, non-celebrities like me have a chance to make their voices heard on the subject.
When famous people do anything, the average Joe pays attention. If a normal person had done what Mel did, it would have shown up on the police blotter in a Malibu paper and that would have been the end of it. If a non-celebrity had done what Mel Gibson did and killed someone – a very real possibility – it would have been headline news in Malibu for a few days, but the rest of the world wouldn’t have heard a thing about it. But when Mel Gibson gets arrested for driving drunk, the world suddenly pays attention. That’s where people like me come in.
If celebrities who drive drunk are publicly mocked and sufficiently punished by the legal system for their crimes, it just might cause a few people out there to think twice about getting behind the wheel after they’ve had a few, and that’s a good thing. If young people realize that alcohol can make them do incredibly stupid things in the short term and destroy their lives in the long term, they may not even drink in the first place, and that’s a very good thing. If Mel Gibson had never touched a drop in his life, he wouldn’t be going through what he’s going through now. And I sincerely believe that if Stuart Adamson had not been seduced by the glamour of alcohol as a young man, he’d still be with us today writing wonderful songs like this…
Also, I’ve heard people say, “He’s already apologized. Can’t we just leave it at that?”
Hell, no!
First of all, his apology was probably as much a callous business move as it was an act of genuine remorse. The apology was released by Mel Gibson’s publicist, whose top priority is to make sure Mel Gibson’s image is not tarnished by this arrest. There’s an excellent chance the apology was written by the publicist, or a crack team of highly-paid damage control experts, in consultation with the legal department, of course. Maybe Mel had a chance to approve the final copy before it was released to the media, but it wouldn’t surprise me if the apology was already being worked on by Mel’s “people” while their meal ticket was still stewing in the drunk tank.
As far as I’m concerned, his “apology” is meaningless.
If Mel Gibson is genuinely remorseful about what he’s done, here’s what he should do – use his vast financial resources to fund a movie about the potential horrors associated with drunk driving. Given his penchant for slow-motion cinematic violence, I bet he could come up with something sufficiently disgusting to make sure a lot of people never make the same mistake he made this past weekend. I even have a title for him… “Blood On The Highway”. And if he needs a failed screenwriter to come up with a script, he knows where to find me.
Here I am, less than week into my blog’s existence, and I’ve already wavered from the idea that this would simply be an outlet for my attempts at comedy. I guess that’s okay, but don’t expect all my posts to be as serious-minded as this one. I’m sure my next post will be nothing but a bunch of goofy jokes without an ounce of substance. At least, I hope so. Being silly is much easier.
For those who don’t know, Stuart was the leader of Big Country, the Scottish rock group best known for their debut album The Crossing and hit singles like In A Big Country, Fields Of Fire, Look Away, Chance, and Wonderland.
Late in life, Stuart suffered a relapse and was charged with drunk driving in Florida. Shortly afterwards, he went missing for nearly a month, and was eventually found dead in a Honolulu motel room where he had hung himself. His blood alcohol level at the time of his death was 0.279 percent. The legal limit for driving is 0.08 percent.
It hadn’t occurred to me that jokes about Mel Gibson’s drunk driving would trigger memories of Stuart’s darkest hour when I posted a link on the Big Country website, and for that I apologize to Stuart’s fans and anyone who knew him. It still pains me to think about that dark period in Stuart’s life. I honestly never thought about Stuart while writing that post.
With that being said, I still think drunk driving and reckless driving in general is a horrible thing to do, and people should be held accountable for their actions. If Stuart had lived, I would have expected him to serve whatever jail time the judge deemed appropriate, and I would have hoped he’d get the help he needed to battle his demons. The same goes for Mel Gibson. Since he means nothing to me personally, I chose to express myself through jokes, or attempts at such. If Mel Gibson’s fans were upset, remember that he brought it on himself, and I’m hardly the only one joking about it.
One reason for my post was to remind people that alcohol is a drug that’s every bit as dangerous as illegal drugs like heroin or cocaine. It’s extremely addictive, it can ruin your entire life, it can make you do things you’ll regret for the rest of your life, and you can overdose from it or die from accidents related to alcohol. Worst of all, you might kill someone else. So when someone as famous as Mel Gibson screws up publicly because of alcohol, non-celebrities like me have a chance to make their voices heard on the subject.
When famous people do anything, the average Joe pays attention. If a normal person had done what Mel did, it would have shown up on the police blotter in a Malibu paper and that would have been the end of it. If a non-celebrity had done what Mel Gibson did and killed someone – a very real possibility – it would have been headline news in Malibu for a few days, but the rest of the world wouldn’t have heard a thing about it. But when Mel Gibson gets arrested for driving drunk, the world suddenly pays attention. That’s where people like me come in.
If celebrities who drive drunk are publicly mocked and sufficiently punished by the legal system for their crimes, it just might cause a few people out there to think twice about getting behind the wheel after they’ve had a few, and that’s a good thing. If young people realize that alcohol can make them do incredibly stupid things in the short term and destroy their lives in the long term, they may not even drink in the first place, and that’s a very good thing. If Mel Gibson had never touched a drop in his life, he wouldn’t be going through what he’s going through now. And I sincerely believe that if Stuart Adamson had not been seduced by the glamour of alcohol as a young man, he’d still be with us today writing wonderful songs like this…
Now if I could get back to Mel Gibson for a minute, I find it unfortunate that the media is choosing to focus on Mel’s alleged anti-Semitic remarks. As vile as racism is, it’s not a crime. Drunk driving is. It’s a very serious crime, and the focus on the alleged statements downplays the gravity of the crime that we know was committed. If what he supposedly said turns out to be true, he should be tried in the court of public opinion, but he should also carry the stigma of being a drunk driver every where he goes."Devil In The Eye"
(Stuart Adamson/Ray Davies)
Take a little care
When you put your lips
To her long cool neck
One kiss will be too much
A hundred not enough
Treat her with respect
If I could tell this to you
Would you believe it was true
You might just laugh I expect
And say you feel sophisticated
Confident and ready for the next
Has no time for modesty
Doesn't care for honesty
Deals in broken promises
Will spell you with her lies
Has no time for modesty
Doesn't care for honesty
Deals in broken promises
Will look the devil in the eye
You'll be the class fool
A perfect asshole
You'll be the guy in control
And make decisions
Based on derision
And wake up deep in a hole
Wishing the ground would
Open beneath you
Enough to swallow you whole
So you don't have to face the wreckage
You left scattered from the night before
Has no time for modesty
Doesn't care for honesty
Deals in broken promises
Will spell you with her lies
Has no time for modesty
Doesn't care for honesty
Deals in broken promises
Will look the devil in the eye
You will be dazzled by
The pictures she will paint
Colours she will bring
And feel so safe and warm
Far away from harm
Wrapped up in her wings
And slowly drift through the day
Letting it all slip away
Without a care in the world
And wake up in a cold sweat
Screaming for her touch to ease your troubled soul
Has no time for modesty
Doesn't care for honesty
Deals in broken promises
Will spell you with her lies
Has no time for modesty
Doesn't care for honesty
Deals in broken promises
Will look the devil in the eye
Will look the devil in the eye
Also, I’ve heard people say, “He’s already apologized. Can’t we just leave it at that?”
Hell, no!
First of all, his apology was probably as much a callous business move as it was an act of genuine remorse. The apology was released by Mel Gibson’s publicist, whose top priority is to make sure Mel Gibson’s image is not tarnished by this arrest. There’s an excellent chance the apology was written by the publicist, or a crack team of highly-paid damage control experts, in consultation with the legal department, of course. Maybe Mel had a chance to approve the final copy before it was released to the media, but it wouldn’t surprise me if the apology was already being worked on by Mel’s “people” while their meal ticket was still stewing in the drunk tank.
As far as I’m concerned, his “apology” is meaningless.
If Mel Gibson is genuinely remorseful about what he’s done, here’s what he should do – use his vast financial resources to fund a movie about the potential horrors associated with drunk driving. Given his penchant for slow-motion cinematic violence, I bet he could come up with something sufficiently disgusting to make sure a lot of people never make the same mistake he made this past weekend. I even have a title for him… “Blood On The Highway”. And if he needs a failed screenwriter to come up with a script, he knows where to find me.
Here I am, less than week into my blog’s existence, and I’ve already wavered from the idea that this would simply be an outlet for my attempts at comedy. I guess that’s okay, but don’t expect all my posts to be as serious-minded as this one. I’m sure my next post will be nothing but a bunch of goofy jokes without an ounce of substance. At least, I hope so. Being silly is much easier.
What Would Jesus Drink?
As the Tequila Sunrise rose over Malibu, actor Mel Gibson was arrested for driving a Lethal Weapon (a 2006 Lexus LS 430) at twice the speed limit while under the influence of alcohol.
Mel, Bubby... this is not What Women Want. A man your age shouldn't be acting like such a Maverick. You're not Forever Young, Mel. The Signs are all around you -- it's time to grow up. You're lucky you didn't wind up in The River. If you had slammed your car into a tree you would have gone flying through the windshield and wound up The Man Without A Face. And what if you'd killed someone? You would have wound up with a Bounty on your head. In your defence, at least you didn't make a Chicken Run when the police pulled you over. But maybe this is just Payback for your high-and-mighty behaviour these past few years. We don't need the guy who played Mad Max trying to save our souls with religious dogma. Just stick to what you know -- beating people up and Three Stooges impressions.
For any readers who're interested, I've posted a link to Mel's official statement on the arrest, translated from the original Aramaic.
UPDATE: My blog has been around for less than a week and it's already generating a bit of controversy. I knew there was a good reason for doing this!
Click over to the official Big Country website if you want to read the fuss my Mel Gibson post has caused. Click fast, though. Threads that get heated tend to disappear once the moderator reads them.
(D'oh! You're too late! The thread has already been deleted. Frankly, I'm surprised it lasted as long as it did.)
UPDATE #2:To follow this story and make your own judgments, click on the links below. Just don't believe everything you read. The media reports, the police report, the apology released by Mel's publicist, they all have an agenda and they all have their bias. So does my blog. Read for yourselves and think what you will.
Mel's alleged anti-Semitic and sexist remarks during the arrestHas Mel been stopped for DUI in Malibu before but never arrested? Third time's the harm?
CNN.com: "If there was a cover-up, it wasn't a total cover-up"
Hallelujah! Someone Is FINALLY Using The Internet To Talk About Star Trek and Monty Python!
I'm hardly a Trekkie, or a Trekker, but I am a fan, and Monty Python had a huge influence on my sense of humour, so when I came across this hilarious mish-mash of the two, it was a real treat.
http://www.devilducky.com/media/48608/
And while I'm on the subject of Star Trek, here's a scene I would have liked to see on the Next Generation. (I apologize in advance for the very unprofessional screenplay formatting, but I'm new at this HTML business.)
"April Fools Day"
INT. BRIDGE
The entire crew is at their stations. On the view screen, a large asteroid.
DATA:
The quanto-lithic phasers are online and ready for testing, sir.
PICARD:
Any ships in the system, Data?
DATA:
No, sir.
RIKER:
Any inhabited planets?
DATA:
No, commander. This system is completely devoid of life.
PICARD:
Very well. I think it's time to proceed with the test.
RIKER:
Agreed.
PICARD:
Data, fire at will.
Data spins, pulls out his hand phaser, at aims at Commander Riker.
RIKER:
What? --
Riker is cut down by Data's phaser and drops in a heap to the floor.
INT. BRIDGE - LATER
Riker slowly comes to and sees --
Data, standing over him.
DATA:
I do apologize, sir. It was the Captain's orders.
RIKER:
Orders?
PICARD:
April Fools, Will.
DATA:
You see, Commander, when the Captain said "fire at will", the conceit was that I had misinterpreted his command as "fire at Will", which is a shortened form of your first name. The joke is quite clever when you compare it to the work of some renowned humorists from Earth's history, for example --
RIKER:
Yes, Data, thank you. I get the joke.
Picard helps Riker to his feet.
RIKER:
And it was your idea, Captain?
PICARD:
Indeed.
Riker brushes himself off, regains his dignity.
RIKER:
In that case, it was very funny.
PICARD:
Shall we proceed with the test?
RIKER:
By all means.
PICARD:
Then make it so, Number One.
Riker quickly unzips his fly and pees on Picard's leg. The crew looks on in shock.
RIKER:
I'm sorry, sir. I thought you said "Make me soaked in number one."
The crew tries to suppress their laughter while Picard quietly fumes.
RIKER:
April Fools, sir.
TROI:
(to Picard)
All things considered, you might say that turnabout is fair play, Captain.
Picard considers his next move, then nods slightly in Riker's direction, conceding the point.
PICARD:
If anyone needs me, I'll be changing into a clean uniform. You have the bridge, Number O--
(stops himself)
You have the bridge, Will.
Picard exits into the turbolift. The crew bursts out in laughter, all except Data and Worf.
DATA:
Commander, I fail to see the humour in urinating on a superior officer.
WORF:
There is none. Bathroom humour is without honour.
RIKER:
It's immature, I'll grant you, but humans often find humour in bodily functions.
WESLEY:
And when stern authority figures get their comeuppance, it's always hysterical.
DR. CRUSHER:
Watching Jean-Luc fume was priceless!
GEORDI:
I really loved the play on words.
DATA:
Play on words?
RIKER:
Search your database for the colloquial use of the term "Number One".
DATA:
Processing...
As Data scours his internal database, Picard returns to the bridge in a clean uniform.
DATA:
Ah! Mid-twentieth century Earth slang. "Number one" was often used as a euphemism for urination. I see. Quite amusing. And since I am next in the chain of command, that would, in effect, make me "Number Two".
Data approaches Picard, turns around, and drops his trousers.
PICARD:
NO, DATA!!!
http://www.devilducky.com/media/48608/
And while I'm on the subject of Star Trek, here's a scene I would have liked to see on the Next Generation. (I apologize in advance for the very unprofessional screenplay formatting, but I'm new at this HTML business.)
INT. BRIDGE
The entire crew is at their stations. On the view screen, a large asteroid.
DATA:
The quanto-lithic phasers are online and ready for testing, sir.
PICARD:
Any ships in the system, Data?
DATA:
No, sir.
RIKER:
Any inhabited planets?
DATA:
No, commander. This system is completely devoid of life.
PICARD:
Very well. I think it's time to proceed with the test.
RIKER:
Agreed.
PICARD:
Data, fire at will.
Data spins, pulls out his hand phaser, at aims at Commander Riker.
RIKER:
What? --
Riker is cut down by Data's phaser and drops in a heap to the floor.
FADE TO BLACK
INT. BRIDGE - LATER
Riker slowly comes to and sees --
Data, standing over him.
DATA:
I do apologize, sir. It was the Captain's orders.
RIKER:
Orders?
PICARD:
April Fools, Will.
DATA:
You see, Commander, when the Captain said "fire at will", the conceit was that I had misinterpreted his command as "fire at Will", which is a shortened form of your first name. The joke is quite clever when you compare it to the work of some renowned humorists from Earth's history, for example --
RIKER:
Yes, Data, thank you. I get the joke.
Picard helps Riker to his feet.
RIKER:
And it was your idea, Captain?
PICARD:
Indeed.
Riker brushes himself off, regains his dignity.
RIKER:
In that case, it was very funny.
PICARD:
Shall we proceed with the test?
RIKER:
By all means.
PICARD:
Then make it so, Number One.
Riker quickly unzips his fly and pees on Picard's leg. The crew looks on in shock.
RIKER:
I'm sorry, sir. I thought you said "Make me soaked in number one."
The crew tries to suppress their laughter while Picard quietly fumes.
RIKER:
April Fools, sir.
TROI:
(to Picard)
All things considered, you might say that turnabout is fair play, Captain.
Picard considers his next move, then nods slightly in Riker's direction, conceding the point.
PICARD:
If anyone needs me, I'll be changing into a clean uniform. You have the bridge, Number O--
(stops himself)
You have the bridge, Will.
Picard exits into the turbolift. The crew bursts out in laughter, all except Data and Worf.
DATA:
Commander, I fail to see the humour in urinating on a superior officer.
WORF:
There is none. Bathroom humour is without honour.
RIKER:
It's immature, I'll grant you, but humans often find humour in bodily functions.
WESLEY:
And when stern authority figures get their comeuppance, it's always hysterical.
DR. CRUSHER:
Watching Jean-Luc fume was priceless!
GEORDI:
I really loved the play on words.
DATA:
Play on words?
RIKER:
Search your database for the colloquial use of the term "Number One".
DATA:
Processing...
As Data scours his internal database, Picard returns to the bridge in a clean uniform.
DATA:
Ah! Mid-twentieth century Earth slang. "Number one" was often used as a euphemism for urination. I see. Quite amusing. And since I am next in the chain of command, that would, in effect, make me "Number Two".
Data approaches Picard, turns around, and drops his trousers.
PICARD:
NO, DATA!!!
My Last Terrible Movie Pitch... For Now???
Eight Men Outed
Ang Lee, the busiest man in Hollywood, returns again with the too good to be true story of the Chicago Pink Sox who conspired with gamblers to fix the results of the 1919 Homo-League World Series. Lead by their star player, “Pantsless” Joe Jackson, the Pink Sox were experts at both pitching and catching, and were expected to easily defeat the Cincinnati Red Neckties, but when the Pink Sox made countless errors allowing Cincinnati to win the series, the first commissioner of Homo-League Baseball, Judge Kenesaw Brokeback Mountain Landis, launched a probe into the deep, dark recesses of the scandal, which lead to a loss of innocence for America’s Homo-Erotic Pastime. And in an epilogue, Eight Men Outed addresses the long-standing rumour that “Pantsless” Joe Jacskon - who was banned from Homo-League baseball despite his innocence – resurfaced years later and played in the Major Leagues under an assumed name, Lou Gehrig.
In 1919, they blew the World Series – and each other
Ang Lee, the busiest man in Hollywood, returns again with the too good to be true story of the Chicago Pink Sox who conspired with gamblers to fix the results of the 1919 Homo-League World Series. Lead by their star player, “Pantsless” Joe Jackson, the Pink Sox were experts at both pitching and catching, and were expected to easily defeat the Cincinnati Red Neckties, but when the Pink Sox made countless errors allowing Cincinnati to win the series, the first commissioner of Homo-League Baseball, Judge Kenesaw Brokeback Mountain Landis, launched a probe into the deep, dark recesses of the scandal, which lead to a loss of innocence for America’s Homo-Erotic Pastime. And in an epilogue, Eight Men Outed addresses the long-standing rumour that “Pantsless” Joe Jacskon - who was banned from Homo-League baseball despite his innocence – resurfaced years later and played in the Major Leagues under an assumed name, Lou Gehrig.
In 1919, they blew the World Series – and each other
Terrible Movie Pitch - Hilarity Assumed
Maximum Occupancy
After a party in the penthouse of the world’s tallest building, a group of dignitaries crowd into an elevator only to find that a precocious 10-year old has pushed all 150 buttons. With all the other elevators out of order, the group is forced to endure a tortuous, cramped, sweaty voyage to the lobby. As the elevator doors open on each floor giving a false sense of impending freedom, some descend into claustrophobic madness, some resort to cannibalism, and the sexual tension rises to a boiling point as body parts continually rub together. Who will survive? Who will fall in love? Who will be brave enough to take the stairs? Find out this summer in… Maximum Occupancy.
In an enclosed space, everyone can hear you fart
After a party in the penthouse of the world’s tallest building, a group of dignitaries crowd into an elevator only to find that a precocious 10-year old has pushed all 150 buttons. With all the other elevators out of order, the group is forced to endure a tortuous, cramped, sweaty voyage to the lobby. As the elevator doors open on each floor giving a false sense of impending freedom, some descend into claustrophobic madness, some resort to cannibalism, and the sexual tension rises to a boiling point as body parts continually rub together. Who will survive? Who will fall in love? Who will be brave enough to take the stairs? Find out this summer in… Maximum Occupancy.
In an enclosed space, everyone can hear you fart
My Fave Terrible Movie Pitch So Far
After another user commented that he misread my oft-used phrase as "Hillary ensues", here's what I came up with.
Hillary Ensues
This cautionary tale follows the career of a Liberal, power-mad harpy (Hillary Rotton-Clintham) who becomes the first female president of the United States, and, within two weeks, plunges the once-proud nation into financial ruin and leaves its citizens at risk of attack from the ever-growing terrorist threat. Riding on the coat-tails of her philandering, pasty, pathological liar of a husband, Hillary becomes First Lady of the United States, and then Governor of New Jersey, making her the patron saint of the femi-nazi, Christian-hating, homo-loving, baby-eating, Hollywood elite. During her presidential campaign, she rigs the elections in 42 of the 49 states who supposedly supported her – an unprecedented act of unmitigated gall – and triggers an all-out civil war, which Texas wins easily, killing Hillary and forever crushing the Democratic Party, saving the nation from a fate worse than death.
Written and Directed by Rush Limbaugh
Hillary Ensues
This cautionary tale follows the career of a Liberal, power-mad harpy (Hillary Rotton-Clintham) who becomes the first female president of the United States, and, within two weeks, plunges the once-proud nation into financial ruin and leaves its citizens at risk of attack from the ever-growing terrorist threat. Riding on the coat-tails of her philandering, pasty, pathological liar of a husband, Hillary becomes First Lady of the United States, and then Governor of New Jersey, making her the patron saint of the femi-nazi, Christian-hating, homo-loving, baby-eating, Hollywood elite. During her presidential campaign, she rigs the elections in 42 of the 49 states who supposedly supported her – an unprecedented act of unmitigated gall – and triggers an all-out civil war, which Texas wins easily, killing Hillary and forever crushing the Democratic Party, saving the nation from a fate worse than death.
Written and Directed by Rush Limbaugh
A Limbaugh-Rove-O’Reilly Production
Another Terrible Movie Pitch - Getting Into "The Zone"
Prances With Wolves
Ang Lee steps into the director’s chair for this sequel to Kevin Costner’s 1990 Oscar-winning epic. An injured, effete Union soldier is brought back to health by two shirtless Indian braves with washboard abs, Throws Like Girl and Lays With Men. As he fights off the advances of a white woman who has been raised among the Indians, he gets caught in a conflict between the warring Chippendaleawa and Nipple Percé tribes. Man-on-man hilarity ensues.
Ang Lee steps into the director’s chair for this sequel to Kevin Costner’s 1990 Oscar-winning epic. An injured, effete Union soldier is brought back to health by two shirtless Indian braves with washboard abs, Throws Like Girl and Lays With Men. As he fights off the advances of a white woman who has been raised among the Indians, he gets caught in a conflict between the warring Chippendaleawa and Nipple Percé tribes. Man-on-man hilarity ensues.
Terrible B-Movie Pitch - I'm Assuming This Hasn't Already Been Done
Undead Caveman Vampire Hunter
In a land that time forgot and logic ignored, where dinosaurs ruled the earth and humans got stepped on, only one man dared to fight the greatest evil the world has ever known. Dolph Lundgren is Gorr, humanity's last defence against undead caveman vampires.
Oh, and hilarity ensues
In a land that time forgot and logic ignored, where dinosaurs ruled the earth and humans got stepped on, only one man dared to fight the greatest evil the world has ever known. Dolph Lundgren is Gorr, humanity's last defence against undead caveman vampires.
Oh, and hilarity ensues
Terrible Movie Pitch #3, Although It Wouldn't Surprise Me If This Actually Got Made
Alien vs. Predator vs. Freddy vs. Jason vs. Leprechaun
A NASA space station near Pluto finds itself caught in the cross-fire as a war wages between Aliens and Predators. Meanwhile, the station's summer camp is being stalked by Jason Voorhees, the dreams of the entire crew are being plagued by Freddy Krueger, and the Leprechaun is attempting to retrieve his pot of gold from Captain Nick Starling (Steven Baldwin). Hilarity ensues.
A NASA space station near Pluto finds itself caught in the cross-fire as a war wages between Aliens and Predators. Meanwhile, the station's summer camp is being stalked by Jason Voorhees, the dreams of the entire crew are being plagued by Freddy Krueger, and the Leprechaun is attempting to retrieve his pot of gold from Captain Nick Starling (Steven Baldwin). Hilarity ensues.
Terrible Movie Pitch #2
Dude, Where's My WMD's?
Ashton Kutcher and Sean William Scott have found work as CIA operatives and are sent to oil-rich Alberta to plant bogus evidence that Canada has WMD's and plans to use them on Omaha, thereby justifying an American invasion. After a night of drunken debauchery at the Calgary Stampede, the two bumbling operatives awake to find the WMD's missing. Hilarity ensues.
Ashton Kutcher and Sean William Scott have found work as CIA operatives and are sent to oil-rich Alberta to plant bogus evidence that Canada has WMD's and plans to use them on Omaha, thereby justifying an American invasion. After a night of drunken debauchery at the Calgary Stampede, the two bumbling operatives awake to find the WMD's missing. Hilarity ensues.
Terrible, Terrible Movie Pitches
This was a little game I started on an internet community I participate in, and I liked the results so much I decided to archive them in Blog format. As the days and months go by, I'll be posting more pointless, silly, and hopefully amusing nonsense to entertain myself and anyone else who happens to stumble upon this blog. Here's the rules for the game:
Imagine that Max Bialystock and Leo Bloom from The Producers have gone Hollywood and are looking for a movie idea so bad it's guaranteed to be a flop. You've got one chance to pitch them your idea and become a successful screenwriter. What would be your awful, awful pitch? And don't just say Gigli 2: The Wrath Of Bennifer. Be creative with your storylines.
And here was the first example I came up with:
Nuns With The Runs
Robbie Coltrane and Eric Idle return in this sequel to their 1990 hit. When their past catches up with them, the two ex-cons don their habits once again and flee to Mexico, where, despite warnings not to drink the water, both come down with violent diarrhea. Hilarity ensues.
Imagine that Max Bialystock and Leo Bloom from The Producers have gone Hollywood and are looking for a movie idea so bad it's guaranteed to be a flop. You've got one chance to pitch them your idea and become a successful screenwriter. What would be your awful, awful pitch? And don't just say Gigli 2: The Wrath Of Bennifer. Be creative with your storylines.
And here was the first example I came up with:
Nuns With The Runs
Robbie Coltrane and Eric Idle return in this sequel to their 1990 hit. When their past catches up with them, the two ex-cons don their habits once again and flee to Mexico, where, despite warnings not to drink the water, both come down with violent diarrhea. Hilarity ensues.
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